What’s Trending you ask, Idiocy I say.

Heylloo and whats up! 2012 passed and 2013 is here already.
Basically here’s where I gotta write the intro part of the article. But heck, lets lose out into the matter at hand. Coz seriously I can’t think of something funny to say here every time you guys. Give the fellow man a break. Aaaaaaaand Off we go:

The Slap of truth: Dayaa ka chaanta

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Long gone are the days of concentration camps of Hitler, when chemists worked really hard to discover and synthesize chemical substances which could make you speak truth. India’s premier crime investigation unit CID uses a different model. Na na na, we are not talking about some other chemical shit, or electric chair. It’s something far more dangerous: The Slap of Truth! Dayaa, whose length is equal to breadth, is the man of the hour. No matter how hideous crime, how rough the criminal is, he’s bound to speak truth when he gets slapped by our fella. It’s a divine thing, actually. There is one more advantage actually, as soon as the criminal gets slapped; the criminal gets delivered to CID headquarters, unless they are not already there.

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Sometimes I am bound to think that stories for CID are written backwards. They decide who’s going to commit crime, what crime, who will get killed and then they come to why.

It’s about time Dayaa starts a stall outside malls and parliament. 1 slap for 200 bucks, 2 for 150.

100 Crore ka Sach!

Dabanggg

Okay. Forbes say increasing prices of movie tickets are responsible for movies grossing in excess of 100 crores today. growing no of multiplexes, digital reprints, wide releases. They all might constitute to this outrageously exceeding collections. But in my opinion the main reason is the same which is the reason for india’s upwards of 100 crore population: “Illiteracy”. ahem? ahem? Did I lie.

I mean who the fuck are these people who go to watch heroes cranking people’s skull and everytime they slap villains in the head, there is a sound of two metal balls colliding. Thhhhannnnnnnnnnn! What’s up with that???

On few occassion we were trapped in the movie halls of these films, I have seen my friends amidst song humming the lyrics even before they’ve sung it in song. I mean how predictable you wanna be. I bet you there would be an android app on the market right now for creating movies. It will take input : Hero, Heroine & villain name, Name of production to decide the release date and a plot from another 100 crore grossing movie. After all the story writer is a chimpanzee from the near jungle on a booze and doped heavy. Or may be some birds chirped on keyboard and the story writer called it a day.

Salman khan seems to be on a truth and dare contest where someone has given him a task: Either marry or do movies without storywriters. Well the latter is easy so here we are.

MTV roadies: Everything which is wrong with Today’s youth.

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So I heard somewhere that MTV roadies is kicking off its 10th Seasons. Oh no. I mean the city’s gutters are already choking down enough shit and we are starting roadies 10. They are advertising on TV that Roadies is the first reality show to reach 10th season. Well, someone needs to know when to stop. Guys. I’ll tell you. You know what roadies is? Apart from being a pathetic ground to show off swearing is a KEWL thing, it represents everything which is wrong with today’s youth.

Oay, tell me what kind of real world situation you are gonna find yourself into where you’ll have to Poll dance.

It’s a show of duality. You’ll be taught to be respectful to girls yet you’ll have to hurl limitless abuses towards each other. Honestly will be rewarded only if its backed by dirty politics about who will vote out whom. The only thing which is constant about it is it’s Straightfold Dumb!

Govt should make a separate facility for the people who look forward to new seasons of this show and will want to attend the interview.

Ain’t this article got a beginning. And it sure as hell isn’t gonna have an end. So see you lovely fellas soon!

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Piece out!

Selling Happiness since 1920

Several Post apocalyptic movies have depicted in great detail what could happen in a world where humans might be tormented by machines. Terminator, The Matrix, and there are couple more not worth mentioning. In these movies humans are shown to be proud of being capable of having emotions. To have hope. to experience Pain, love and happiness. To be able to cry. Well I gotta tell ya folks, it looks overrated to me. Its as if Bill Gates is being mocked by a beggar that he can’t sleep on streets or can’t Savour being hungry for days and being winced by cold winter. Nevertheless, there is one thing I am sure humans would be proud of in such a world, where robots and machines will prevail. That is, use of Emoticons in chat and emotions in Advertisements [Pun intended].

Point in case: Utterly and butterly delicious “Happiness” being used in advertisements now-a-days. I guess nobody is selling products, since they are so busy selling happiness cloacked with consumerism. You go to grocery store to buy cholesterol free oil, guess what, happiness comes along free with it. Wanna buy a coke to quench your thirst? Don’t open the friggin’ coke, you gotta open the happiness first. Are you buying a dairymilk chocolate for your girlfriend, well no sir, first you have to make sure its the right occassion to say “Kuchh Meetha ho jaaye”. Are you Fuckin’ kidding me?

None of this is as big a crap as Big B selling you boroplus in the name of “Sardi ki Nazar na lage”. IT’S A FRIGGING COLD CREAM TO PREVENT YOUR SKIN FROM BEING DRY. GET IT?

Have you seen the Tata Nano ad? It’s as if they want us to make fun of them. Khushiyon ki chaabi, my foot. I am gonna kill you with that same key if you give me a Khushiyon ki chaabi for 1 Lac Rupees instead of the actual car keys. Happiness I can manage. I want a car key from you, dumbass.

I absolutely get it that our Indian society is emotionally driven. Everybody here is either laughing or crying. Every sentence here ends with an emoticon, rofl and lol (more about that later) Every facebook photo is a portrait of how happy the chap is to be somewhere. Every status about being home is demanding a declaration of how happy the poor guy is to be at home.

I mean what’s up with all this declaration stuff. Who do you want to prove that you are enjoying? How ridiculous does it even sound to go visit some place and instead of living the moment there, you are busy capturing the whole thing on camera so that you could *INSTANTLY* share it to show people you are ENJOYING. This particular feeling of happiness is what drives the companies to create whole Ad campaigns targetting Human Emotions.

And in the end, he said to me “How hard it is to be happy, yeah?”

Peace out!

Oo Oo Womaniya!!

Did you know that 80% of the advertisements today are produced keeping woman’s appeal in mind. (Actually I just made that up, :P but you get the drift). I was watching a south Indian movie this sunday and there came the famous “Sirf 2 minutes ka break!”. For some reason, I didnt change the channel (I didn’t have a choice to go to, its weekend, what do you expect.) so I sat through the Ads. And Boy, I realized that nowadays advertisements are made for chimpanzees, not for humans. So dumb! Even a monkey knows he’s not gonna get a monkey chick just because he used a specific brand of underwear. Grow up, losers! The only way you’re gonna get somebody to like you is good old ways: Talk, communicate, improvise. Spoiler: you don’t need to wear deodorants!! I know, right?

So I thought, instead of continue watching that dumb movie, why not educate our country’s teenagers a little bit, who I think eat grass in dinner. So wannabes, off we go!

** Deodorant **

Ah, my favourites! So people, first and foremost. When it’s hot outside, you sweat. And you fatasses sweat so bad, that it stinks. People can’t stand within 10 feet from you. So, a company starts making deodorants. Which does what? NO! It doesn’t get you chicks. :D It frees you from your stench. I can promise you the only plus you are getting off a bottle of deodorant is that you won’t choke and die on your own smell. :D Got it? Now repeat after me: “Deodorants don’t get you chicks.”. Good. Good.

Girls: Not that it matters, but whatever you do, you will get guys I promise. So, just one advice: Do whatever you want.

** Toothpaste **

“Paas Aao, Meri saanso me samaao.”

I remember watching a lady in a retro 70’s ad while a person hummed this song “Kya aap close up karte hain”. Such a catchy tune. Until a couple months ago, I was aware of the fact that toothpastes are for brushing your teeth. The only other use I knew of this product was to eat it in childhood, because they tasted so awesome!! :D

But guess what, according to the recent studies (read Ads) it turns out, if you are brushing your teeth with Close-up, you are gonna get kissed from a lady, who herself would brush her teeth with same paste! Otherwise, ofcourse its not possible. I mean, what is the point of kissing when one’s brushed teeth and other has just used Mintos!

** Clothes & Undergarments (Don hai to On hai) **

Ok this is self-explanatory.

** Mobile Phones **

Okay, this one is straightfold dumb. There was an ad on TV a few days ago where a phone boasts of ultra fast Wi-Fi and promises to make your life ultrafast. So, this idiot girl sits close to her and laughs on a comedy video streaming “Only because the phone has ultrafast WiFi you know”. The guy notices the girl having a good time and comfortably puts his arms around her. Now, 1st point is it’s difficult to point out the guy in this ad.

If you’ve had any experience even closer to this, do tell me in comments, but the “Ultra-Gay” event depicted in the Ad is never supposed to happen (Although I wish a hug was that cheap ;-) ).

It’s kind of disappointing to see the quality of Ads. I remember and miss the days of Ads like “Wonderful Doodh”, “Nerolac”, “Dairy Milk”.

Once in a while we see good ads today. But the pace with which the concentration is shifting towards attracting girls/women in Advertisements is awful. India is a country which rides on waves. Amitabh Sneezes one morning and the whole India goes out of their minds. Be it cricket, be it Anna Hazare/Lokpal bills, Orkut/facebook: We always overdo things. This new wave riding teenagers’ mind: Having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I gotta tell ya fellas, its completely overrated. :D

Oh, you wanna smash me in comments, go on talk about forever alone. I won’t blame you lot. But think over the point. Sometimes its good to give a little exercise to young chap. Let’s wear our thinking hats shall we.

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Peace out!

Edit: One of my friends took offence on calling that South Indian movie “Dumb”. Whilst I appreciate his scrupulous eye, on the other hand I want to clarify, I can call any movie “Dumb” I want. It’s not regionally adherent, but believe me or not, most of the movies made today ARE DUMB. So, southies don’t need to take any offence here, alright? Peace out!

Facebook Personalities

So the Facebook IPO went on fire this last month, and facebook couldn’t agree more to the fact that it was all because of the millions of newbies who “Log in, Sign up or Learn more” every god damn month on Facebook. This, chitter-chatter, this vulgar display of incessant, unnecessary and imaginary tidbits of their knowledges and horrible insights about the lives: This is all too much and I snapped last night. So here I am writing another of my frustrations in a more to come of series :). Today we are gonna see different Facebook personalities we encounter while online.

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I know this might have been written many times, but I know you geeky heads always want more of this meandering I go about doing about other geekyheads :P. So here’s your today’s dose of gossip:

**** The Oversharers ****

“Good morning Friends!”

“Having lunch at home and loving it”

“Wow what a dump I took, feels so relaxed now.”

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If you are familiar with any of the above sentence, you have a facebook friend who qualifies for this personality type. These guys share/update so involuntarily, that if you were to gain a cent every time they share, you’ll be a millionaire in a day. :D A particular class of this category goes ahead one step and pings you on chat to like their newly put status. It’s like scoring a goal on empty goalpost and make others celebrate about that :P.

**** The Liker and Disliker. ****

Each one of us has atleast one friends who goes about liking people’s stuff. No matter what you set your status to, they will like it. If you share a new video of 4 minutes, 2 people will like it within 1 minute. It’s as if an unknown force drives them to do this and they have no control whatsoever on this. ;-)

This one, being my Favourite, I can’t stress enough:

**** “The Photographer” ****

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Honestly, the way camera prices have decreased, I don’t really appreciate it. Although there is no harm if people are learning something and they post their photos to facebook to know what others think about. But Photographers, Listen to me:

Clicking a Black and White photo doesn’t mean it will always be nice. It doesn’t mean that the photo is very deep and “tells me something” either. So if people are liking it for no reason, believe me, you’ve got a lot of likers in your friendslist. :P (see pt 2).

PS : Installing an App called Instagrams doesn’t make you a photohgrapher either.

**** The Taggers ****

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These are facebook’s “Tag! You’re it” guys. If you wake up a fine morning and login to facebook to see 11 notifications, don’t get all too crazy, it’s just some stupid friend of your’s who has uploaded a “Good morning” wallpaper and tagged 122 people in it. Some 67 Liker guys have liked it and 45 “incessant Ranters” have thanked that douche for tagging them along. :P

You’ve got to be on a lookout for these bunch. They are most active around Festivals, Days of National influence, friendship day, Valentine’s day and what not!

 

 

Edit:

Part-2 is in pipeline. :)

So there’s yet Another Social Network.

So, there is yet another social network. Some people are happy, some are just frustrated with the thought that they might have to start all over again. I have been pretty old in this business in the sense that I had a well maintained Orkut account before I could learn to use internet for study. ;-) I’ve had more accounts on websites, forums and social circles, that I had actual friends. The person who sent me orkut invite knew nothing about email, but he knew how to leave a scrap. It was all too fascinating in those days. After healthy 7 years in this business, I felt I should write something about the Web networks that we’ve all been a part of at one point or another. It’s been a long time and it would be helpful if we divide them into periods of time rather than one long paragraph. (actually this is just one of my tricks to make it look important to readers :P) So, Off we go!

The Orkut-Myspace-Era(2002 – I-dont-Know-I-am-Dead-Yet) :

2005. Not so many people knew internet around. Cyber cafes charged fierce 50 bucks and hour, and they still had doors ;-).
Myspace was too advance, so public migrated to Orkut. Those were the days of “Kewl” Captions, the Famous Mass scrap scripts.

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People used to chat with scrapbook just to increase Them-Number-of-Scraps-on-Profile to boast about! I won’t talk to a person in real world as readily as I will talk to him on orkut. Those were the days of joining several communities and people felt pride in the number of emails orkut generated for them. (I had them marked as spam, a little ahead of curve, you know).

Time flew and the interest with orkut started to wither out in spite of all the efforts from the Google. They tried changing themes, incorporated games, updates and what not. But to no avail. The time had come. Soon, we would see how one giant fell to another just to pick up again the same title.

The Facebook-Friendfeed-Era (2003 – I-Wont-Give-Up)

Just like cursing Microsoft was a style statement those days, soon orkut picked up the fame of being social network for relatively lame internet users. Not being on orkut, or not being able to open your orkut to follow updates became mark of a true internet user. There was a knight who came to their rescue, who had written a website to compare faces of chicks by the time other students learnt to cheat. Allegedly stealing the idea of (Really?) his fellow students, he wrote the code for another social networking website. Thefacebook.com! Yes, that’s what the bored public wanted. Yet another network to fool themselves from the reality. Like an empty public transport, people hopped on it. Facebook became new sensation eating up some other chronic baby social networks as well.

Facebook developer opened up news ways of sharing and suddenly every single website I surfed had a like button and share button. More so, I could see which of my friends like about particular brand, company or organization. It was so easy to sneak up at their music and movie preferences. That was a particularly good feature in the sense that with every shared snippet of web(whether a video, an article, or image) Facebook was advertising for their own. When Microsoft bought 1.6 % of Facebook shares for a whopping $ 240 MN, I knew it was to stay for a long time.

The Wall and Notifications replaced scraps. Internet Frenzies ran to get the same donuts: only in a new shape. The newsfeed seemed like a great feature, until your lame friends started clogging it with the Farmville requests. The new games, Facebook chat, Awesome looking interface, and the concept of “Like”. They really did an awesome job there. But so did Orkut when it was a baby. Just as Winkle Voss brothers came to know that it’s better to have some money than this website which is gonna wear out one day or another, it was Mark Zuckerberg’s turn to realize the same. So, they started incorporating extra features, which felt as if Facebook will do pretty good if they weren’t there in the first place! Like the new Facebook chat:

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The Google+ Era (2011 – Still in Diapers)

Google took a big hit with the Facebook punching it in the face. With just India and Brazil in hand, they felt they had to do something. And Yes they did. Two terrible things came across as fighters: Google Wave and Google Buzz. Maybe both were developed after smoking a joint. :-) I really don’t understand. Maybe the team developing the Buzz just hi-fived each other and hoped for the best! :PSo, they were knocked out on their own. This added up to the spice and since then people started anticipating what Google will come up with for the third time.

Maybe with the failure of these two projects one thing was clear. Facebook had changed things around in the social circle arena, Forever. It was not just a matter of building a product who lets you sneak up on friends. It was about universal sharing. It was about being present everywhere on web. It was about being present on every single device, Coz people are freaking around, facebooking and twitting from washrooms and what nots.

Then came the big tide. There came the +1. A worthy competitor at last to Facebook Like. Although people were resilient at first, they started seeing the big picture. With millions of webpage crawled and recrawled under it’s belly, Google could do wonders by sorting them in order of social +1. Now I see the big picture. With Hangout feature, they gave people yet another reason to leave Facebook and join Google+.

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It will be very interesting to see this war, unlike others, because Google has introduced their product at a time when Facebook is doing pretty good. Maybe it’s about stealing some share of the pie, or maybe it’s potentially the largest thing on the web.

We will see it soon.

Have something else on mind? Don’t forget to share! That’s what it’s all about!!

Kudos!

Hip – Hop Office Jargons – 3

Folks!

As we all know how famous a writer I am when it comes to documenting the oldest of the jargons being used around in office. I am not going to disappoint you, and here I am back with all the flying word-o-nama again. Here we go again:

Office Jargon

Please advice :

This is a short hand, good looking notation for “This is your job, not mine, moron.”

 

Please check :

Now get your ass to work on it right now.

 

After analyzing the issue :

We haven’t actually done anything substantial on the issue. But we can’t say that directly. So, instead, we went on and analyzed the issue, because that’s something you can’t measure and we will have something to show in place of actual work.

 

Thanks and Regards

No Jargon this time. It’s called a signature. You put it when you finish writing. So did I. Grow up, guys. :D

 

That about sums up for this bulletin on jargon. Hail burrows!!

This was part 3 of the series Office Jargon.

For part 1 : Click Here.

For Part 2 : Click Here.

Break ke Baad

“Hey.”

“Yea?”

“It’s me.”

“Hey.. What’s up?”

“I just called to say Goodbye.”

“Umm.. Good.. bye?”

“Yeah. Have a nice life.”

Click.

I wanted it to be short. I wanted it to be colourless.

Like love. Short. colourless. non existent. Break up call is something where you are supposed to be breaking up, alas.

I was burning inside. Never did I feel a stronger need to know what must’ve happened to her with this (call).

Days passed. Time went on. I spent days working and nights singing and shouting along to phil colin’s “I don’t care Anymore”.

When you are in relation with someone for a good time, everything seems to remind you of that ‘Someone’. Indeed time would heal the wound, but every wound before healing is bound to hurt more. Burn more.

And probably leave a mark.

Love is exactly like wound. Because it feels good to scratch around it. Scratch out good ol’ times.

After some more time, comes the time to stop whining about why did this happen. The Reason. Cause and effects. That time brings with it indifference, a sense of betrayal and remnants of untrust. Comes the time to wish the reality wasn’t this hard to mug. Comes the time to wish reality would be predictable. Comes the time for epic realization, that every relation is bound to fade, every affection bound to evaporate. What matters is time when the tides are gonna hit you.

I have come to believe that my sorrows are the only thing that are never going to leave me.