When It's All Done!

Hip – Hop Office Jargons – 3

Chirag Deshpande — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 16:00:31 +0000

Folks!

As we all know how famous a writer I am when it comes to documenting the oldest of the jargons being used around in office. I am not going to disappoint you, and here I am back with all the flying word-o-nama again. Here we go again:

Please advice :

This is a short hand, good looking notation for “This is your job, not mine, moron.”

Please check :

Now get your ass to work on it right now.

After analyzing the issue :

We haven’t actually done anything substantial on the issue. But we can’t say that directly. So, instead, we went on and analyzed the issue, because that’s something you can’t measure and we will have something to show in place of actual work.

Thanks and Regards

No Jargon this time. It’s called a signature. You put it when you finish writing. So did I. Grow up, guys.

That about sums up for this bulletin on jargon. Hail burrows!!

This was part 3 of the series Office Jargon.

For part 1 : Click Here.

For Part 2 : Click Here.

Break ke Baad

Chirag Deshpande — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 07:15:02 +0000

“Hey.”

“Yea?”

“It’s me.”

“Hey.. What’s up?”

“I just called to say Goodbye.”

“Umm.. Good.. bye?”

“Yeah. Have a nice life.”

Click.

I wanted it to be short. I wanted it to be colourless.

Like love. Short. colourless. non existent. Break up call is something where you are supposed to be breaking up, alas.

I was burning inside. Never did I feel a stronger need to know what must’ve happened to her with this (call).

Days passed. Time went on. I spent days working and nights singing and shouting along to phil colin’s “I don’t care Anymore”.

When you are in relation with someone for a good time, everything seems to remind you of that ‘Someone’. Indeed time would heal the wound, but every wound before healing is bound to hurt more. Burn more.

And probably leave a mark.

Love is exactly like wound. Because it feels good to scratch around it. Scratch out good ol’ times.

After some more time, comes the time to stop whining about why did this happen. The Reason. Cause and effects. That time brings with it indifference, a sense of betrayal and remnants of untrust. Comes the time to wish the reality wasn’t this hard to mug. Comes the time to wish reality would be predictable. Comes the time for epic realization, that every relation is bound to fade, every affection bound to evaporate. What matters is time when the tides are gonna hit you.

I have come to believe that my sorrows are the only thing that are never going to leave me.

Commandments of a successful (Online) life :

Chirag Deshpande — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 04:55:09 +0000

* Though you might not have a single idea about what the hell this thing called twitter is, you may as well have an account with you following every single celebrity you heard about and no one following you.

* Though you really understand that on a quite night you would listen to your Real-favourite songs, but it’s *really* imperative that you like the unheard bands profile pages on facebook. Coz you fancy the kinda guy who pastes this line on every single metal song on youtube : ”I am 16 and I really like classic rock over all the crap music industry has to offer today”.

* Though you might not have single idea about the things you click a “share” button for,(fingers crossed) but there is this “Always Works” rule. The more incomprehensible something, the more your glory.

* Though you would never give a damn to good ol’ quotes or philosophical books, but there is one place you know they will always fetch you more good, and that is your, Wait for it
“FACEBOOK WALL”
Yes! Yes! You know I got that right! Coz it’s so “Soothing” to have your snippets of wisdom shared between infinite Farmville requests.

Ah! So, as I have cast more poison than originally I intended for, here is my idea of online presence, or sharing (and mind me, I am not here to show off )
What it means by sharing is to share exactly who you are, so that your friends (online and real) come one step closer to knowing you, your tastes and your preferences. It’s not about sharing what is Kewl, its about sharing what you REALLY like. Pasting Quotes copied from somewhere to your walls is not exactly wrong, but in a way you are morally responsible for it, because you are inviting your friends to have a discussion in the form of likes and comments. It’s unjust to share something which you approve not of and still share coz its kewl. Ofcourse all of us including the good for nothing writer of this crap has done all these things, but its really “The Time”.

Later.

So What’s the fuss about this New Year, anyways?

Chirag Deshpande — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 19:47:33 +0000

Fellas!! So, as there are already infinites of the Happy new Years floating in the market of wishes, count my one more.

As already has been stated, I have taken a resolution to blog more this year. I just hope that “The ResolutionTM”survives for, like couple of hours.

So in a new series starting today we would discuss “So what’s the fuss about ——-
——– Anyways?” And what better to start with New Year? So in a series of chronic calls one takes on chronic occasions (like today, New year), I am like,hey, I got it. The number representing the last four digits of the date format is going to be incremented by one. I guess that’s about it! A bit technical, but yes, True anyways. So what’s all this fuss. Like every single tweet and facebook status about asking “WHERE’s THE PARTY TONIGHT???????” I’d rather say it’s a nice song.
Oh bye the way, these updates bypassed the number of Farmville requests you usually have your walls adorned with. So, I guess it’s really something serious stuff.

So, we come to the big question : Where are you headed for the evening? Well, I am AT Home on this eve. You’ve got a problem with that? :-/ Like its a ritual or something? Heading out for some bar or Pub which will charge you like hell for a reason the four digits are about to be incremented by one. If you are paying just because you’d have a chance to count to one in the backward order, I’d really say : “GET A LIFE”!

No, seriously! May be I should be pretty afraid that the cops are gonna come down the street and catch me red handed coz I was at home having a solitude laden HAPPY NEW YEAR. No, wait, I was with my guitar Whole evening. that would certainly provide me some cover.

Would write some other time as it’s quite off time now..

Hail Everyone!

Pole of The Month

Chirag Deshpande — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 08:41:17 +0000

View This Poll

Farmville Frustration

Chirag Deshpande — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 08:13:01 +0000

farmville-for-dummies

Yo fellas, long time!
It’s about time another Creative frustration of mine came out. ;-) And yeah, it ain’t a false alarm this time. Coz I mean business! So today’s topic of the series “I hate —-” is, our Progressive and bright….. FARMERS. Yeah. The Farmers. The chosen ones! If you are a facebook freak, then you must have heard of almost a Game called Farmville. If you haven’t, I admit you are one hell of a lucky bum.
So, this (almost a ) game is about a retarted series of mouse clicks where you intend to farm crops and make them grow and sell into the market and earn the experience and bla bla bla..See, how exciting it sounds! Its an omnipotent, omniscient entity : Its present everywhere. On your facebook wall (clogging the otherwise important newsfeed), in your mails, on your cell phones and what not! Sometimes I am bound to think if God is the entity which will be created when enough of us will be connected being neighbours in the Farmville. (Gasp.)
I was just scrolling through my homepage looking for some Mirch masaaala when I saw this :
“Wendy found a Lonely Bull on their farm. Oh no!Wendy was farming when a Lonely Bull wandered onto their farm in FarmVille…. :-@
Awww… :-/
Now that’s really something to worry about. Look, ma, she’s found a LONELY BULL ON THEIR FARM. WILL SHE STARVE TO DEATH?I wonder if I’d go to hell for not adopting her.Also,
“Wendy visited your farm and left you a Nail!” (Gasp)

How Sweet of her to leave me a Nail! I was so in need of it. Thanks to the “The Nail” I can save this world from Poverty, Hunger, Terrorism and Economic Downtime.

I’d really be damned if I don’t play games like Call of Duty : Black Ops, Age of Empires, counter strike and stick to the Farmville : you know, Not being entertained is the trending topic (#I_Don’t_need_to_be_Entertained). If its about being Lame, farming without the benefits of farming and losing your friends because of you clogging their wall with posts about how generous you are to befriend them in Farmville by sending fuel, or Nails, or fertilising their crops OR even hatching your Chickens for you (Now that really sucks)!!

Yesterday A Really good friend of mine, “The Farmville Freak” (Here onwards referred to as FF) called me

ME : “Yo dude. Whats up?
FF : “M fine, buddy . Could you just do me a favour?”
ME : “Anything for you mate”
FF : “I am in an urgent need to go to washroom and it’s just that, oh shit!”
ME : “What? What’s going on?”
FF : “Its’ about the crops. They are about to wither in couple of minutes or so. I cant’ wait, I cant go.”
ME : “Dude? WTF? :-O “
FF : “I just need you to fertilize my crops and buy me some time so that I can go to washroom? I won’t be away for much”.. Please fella”
ME : “You know, you are one sick dung of cow!”
FF : “Which reminds me, please milk my cow. She must be feeling sad. And don’t forget to PET her.”
ME : Stunned Silence.

There we go! Is it just that I dont realize the importance of farming or is the world has gone really crazy? I wish I owned a medicare company. I’d really make some medication for it.
Forgive us, Oh ye Prince of Insufficient Plight!!

Hail Everyone!

Afternotes and Epilogue : I Apologize to all guys walking on the face of earth with name “Wendy”. I suggest you stop playing Farmville right now. I apologize the friends of mine who really like Farmville. You know apart from this article thing, I Just Love This Game!

Top Bollywood Trends # 1

Chirag Deshpande — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 05:48:30 +0000

Writers Disclaimer : All the content below are extremely real, and my own ideas about the content. All the offence and crap, well, my pleasure.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Top Bollywood Trends :

ANY CHARACTER HERE

For last couple of days, I was closely following the changing trends of Bollywood. Eclipsed and capsuled wih changes of aforesaid 21st Century, the Bollywood today is not something which it was like 5 years before. It was BOLLYWOOD back then, it is ASS-HOLE-YWOOD now. So, like all other uproaring blogs about the cheap shit we go to watch in expensive theatres, I decided to write something about it, and what better to write than the recent build ups in the chain! So, off we go :

ANY CHARACTER HERE

** Palindromes **

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Our Top Not-At-All-Important-News gathering Agency “India TV” has been allededly telecasting a special investigation report about the new trends in the bollywood songs. The Report states that according the new pattern they’ve deciphered, the songs closely follow a mathematical concept called Palindrome strings, which is something same no matter you read it from right or left. Like MALYALAM and Our political Leaders (pun intended in the sense of right and left).

The News channel was constantly looping a song in program labelling it the best example of the said scene :

“Tere Mast Mast do Nain, Mere Dil ka le gaye Chain, Mere dil ka le gaye Chain, Tere mast mast do nain.”

Pretty obvious to spot the 1-2-2-1 thing, eh?

That’s what we need analysts and MBA’s for I guess.

Meanwhile some singers, particularly NASAL singers have objected to the study stating that there are too much exceptions to the much debated theory. A singer told us :

“It’s a fuss! I dont follow THAT while singing. My songs are only based on one word or two, as opposed to their one or two sentences. See, there are no palindromes in my songs.” I’d rather say, ” There are no accidents.” Too bad it’s not true, though.

On the other hand of the story, the Movie Directors and producers have decided to cut on the salaries of Lyricist, reasoning

“If it’s about a word or two, heck we know we can do it as good as they can.”

Till now, the lyricists have warned about a hunger strike.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

** Robot **

ANY CHARACTER HERE

The 231st most anticipated movie (:D) of the millenium, ROBOT, is all set to release soon. The movie is so hyped that many directors have revealed their plans to remake it in advance. We talked with one such Director-Actor-Producer-Choreographer-Singer-Screenplay-Writer-Dialogue Lead, Mr Reshmiya.

“Mr. Rajni has always been an inspiration to me. It will be great to watch someone acting like a Robot, who knows acting. I think we will also do pretty good about it in our remake, because, I, even in the real life get compliments that my expressions are robotic and face expressionless. We are very excited about carrying it ASAP. One should always look to convert weeknesses in USP. Here in this case, it’s acting.”

Well, finally something where he’s upto the mark, I guess. So, We wish him good luck!

ANY CHARACTER HERE

** Softwares **

ANY CHARACTER HERE

Rumors have been rife last couple of days about a Big Fish from bollywood (sorry, ASS-HOLE-YWOOD) have contacted a big software company about making a software tool for them.

Though, we couldn’t confirm much facts about the issue, but like other news channels, eventually we had made our own. Anyways public is going to listen. According to the reports, they’ve signed a contract with Meecrosoft, A leading software firm, which has agreed to write a software and maintaine for them. What it will do is still unclear, but accoring to initial reports, the software will be able to :

– Pick a random Movie plot from the past. They are planning to add localization to the tool, which will enable them to pick movies from all across the world.

– Replace original story with new Characters, Clothes, Locations, and Aliases( Names).

– Replace original songs with new Palindromes. (See point no. 1)

– Pick a strategically chosen release date on one of the public holidays, as in Sallu will be released on Eid, Aamir on christmas, and for other actors, any dates except these.

They are planning to buy a licence for next 5 years. So we better not bother about a “Good Movie” for next 5 years or so.

ANY CHARACTER HERE

To be Continued..

Facebook Trends # 1

Chirag Deshpande — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 04:16:41 +0000

Howdy!

Long as long we surf internet : one window of browser is honestly devoted to Facebook. Skimming over the pages browsing updates, comments, shared media, girls, piks :-X and what-not. Seldom we would use our brain while on Facebook, lest being rational. I thought of Documenting this rather Beautiful human phenomenon and here we are!

So, let’s shed some light on some of in-demand trends of Face book :

1. Face book is a very effective tool for women empowerement and gender discrimination against Men :

(Courtesy : http://ankitmehta.net/facebook-profile-gender-discrimination)

2. With this newly introduced ‘Micro – blogging’ and a strong-will-to-write-than-read, we’ve got more people updating their status more frequently than they go for pee. We might as well see Chat and IM programs appending a new status : “Away for a pee” in their already too-personal list. Updating facebook status is also a practice space for copy paste :

Go to Sickipedia, or quotes.com
Copy a good looking line.
paste in to the facebook “What you are upto”.

Tadaa!!

3. Even Moore wouldn’t have imagined complications of his own law when he concluded “cost of electronics items will halve every year. With all those High end (and Cheap) cameras and more people swarming over social networking, its such an anguish looking over your albums-laden Facebook wall which shows people showing out cheesy faces and crippled gestures and rotated views. Gosh Its boring. Unless its a GIRL. See point number 1.

4. Creating groups-that-nobody-cares-about. Imagine what good this group name tells you “Me and My cell”. Two of sleight, isn’t it? Really, its good to congregate. Grab the attention. But you might not be inventing more pokes than are already there. I mean, okay, we get it. YOU ARE KOOL. Now stop it alright?

So, fellas, you got it right. Facebook IS for females. Or males obsessed with praising, Sharing every single thing they watch on youtube, imitating KEWL with absurd likes and groups. And so, I will go on and paste an update about the blog I just posted.

To be Contd..

Hip-Hop Office Jargons Part – 2

Chirag Deshpande — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:48:31 +0000

Standard Office Jargons :

This is part 2 of the series “Standard Office Jargons”. For part 1, Please click here.

Image via Wikipedia

FYI : Don’t get on the length of this SENTENCE. This Uncanny officialese acronym does more than just annoying you. Everytime I get a mail with a long Mahabharatha Story written below an “FYI : For Your Information” mail, I get a rainbow of emotions. I wonder whoever wants to have me read this information overload, have really gave it a try himself? I guess not. Knowledge is to distribute, not grasp. Atleast thats what seems true in official mail chains.

FTCQ : forwarding to correct queue, in other words, getting rid of it.

Oncall pager : Its the device which shows your extreme chauvinism and jingoism towards your company and team. Its an evil agent which brings the pleasures of office works anywhere you can imagine. I’d rather switch off my pager before going to washroom, or I’d rather NOT go there.
Someone asked me what alias can be given to this frightful device, and all I could muster was “An antenna-Up-in-The-Ass”!!

OOO : Every time I send mails to a distro or multiple teams, I get atleast 5 OOO mails! Who the hell cares whether you are available or not!! All you have to do is to have someone else do the same thing you should have done in place, FTCQ!!!

EOD : End-Of-Day tasks or Jobs or operations, as is clear, are expected to finish by evening. I’d rather call them Armageddon events as if some asteroid is waiting for us to not complete the task so that it can strike us! Imagine someone yelling at you “I want reports rechecked, presentation made, defects fixed and HLD understood by the End of Day.” And I’d say, ‘Are you sure about End of Day or End of World, coz you took atleast 5 mins to count the tasks!”

Sweets @ my desk : Now this is a phenomena from where Coulomb got actually the idea of inverse square law of relative forces between things. You see, the rate of consumption of sweets is inversely proportional to the square of time you will get to reach the desk, so if you are not talking about superficial speeds of like 10 millisecond to reach, forget you are gona ever have a piece left. Even gravitational forces become too feeble over that magnitude, and here we are talking about sweets and chocolates.

For part 3 of the series, click Here.

Weendows of mistakes # 1

Chirag Deshpande — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 07:04:27 +0000

I woke up from a horrible dream of Ekta Kkaaappooorr to some voices. At first what seemed like a box, it started meddling and jumping around.
A box! Awfully awake in a sudden pinch of amazement, my eyes opened to 180 degree hoping to find reality in the para visioning aperture. No use. It didn’t stop what it was doing. Leapfrogging my room.

Gathering some courage, I got up, yanked my self out of bed and tried to get off the room. The Thing sprang into action and blocked my way in tandem. Before I began comprehending what can that humansize box may be, it started unwinding and unhinging itself. I was put to the most horrific experience till date. May be I am going to have a devil right away in my home and (H)india TV is going to have another story for its audience.

The Thing™ kept unfolding itself, systematically tearing off the pieces. A Ghost? Devil? My Manager? AT last, I saw it.

The Shining surface of The Thing™ reflected in the sunlit room. It was so gorgeous to look upon. Couldnt believe at first it is a ROBOT! I’ve got an Iron Man snail mailed to my room this morning!

It had even a display at the chest. Suddenly a prompt appeared on the screen, and something like loading bar started filling out. The Thing™ was booting up!!

A message appeared next,

“Press nose, left ear and head to begin.”

For some reason it felt terribly familiar. Anyhow, slave of my bewilderment, I did. A message flashed next on the screen :

“Welcome and congratulations for choosing Huma(n)bot 1.5. Powered by Meecrosoft Weendows Xp, the amazing performancesm brought at your doorstep. Press start to begin.”

Now it wasnt awful anymore. Rather it was getting creepy. The only thing I saw running Meecrosoft Weendows XP were the 64 MB super slow computers of my school. Can it run this much a big thing? It looks clear, beautiful, so windows like.
I guess, I will want to go dream Ektaa Kkkappooorr Anytime again.

I pressed start button. Nothing happened. A message appeared
“hourglassing. Please wait…”

“Hourglassing is a revolutionary Meecrosoft Weendows Feature that helps you make coffee, get sleep and go on for a walk, while meecrosoft loads a website for you. At meecrosoft we call this Randomizing Behaviour Sequencing technology.”
So weendows like, all big names!

Atlast I saw it working! It blurted out :

“Hello, Master. How may I help you?”

“What can you do? What do I call you?” I said, still perplexed what use a weendows running 1 ton crap can be put use to.

“My OS can work out your reports, check mail, make you coffee, manage multimedia, networking and drive you to office.”

“Can you clean my toilet?”

“Fatal Exception occurred. You are requested to strike a sledge hammer if it doesnot respond. Please do not click on Don’t send error report if at all you see the dialogue box. “
It explains why everything Meecrosoft gets from customers are just frustrating reports of error dumps.

I went on to reboot it several times to atlast get it to speak again. I tested it with making coffee for me, which, it eventually did, almost right. If we leave the sugar-replaced-by-salt thing.

In evening, I again ordered it to make a coffee for me. I was this close to beat this thing in rubbles, when the screen flashed the message like :

“Your Coffee Maker 0.0.0.0.1 Always-Beta version is expired. Please buy the full version or get the hell outta here!”

To be continued…