Break ke Baad

“Hey.”

“Yea?”

“It’s me.”

“Hey.. What’s up?”

“I just called to say Goodbye.”

“Umm.. Good.. bye?”

“Yeah. Have a nice life.”

Click.

I wanted it to be short. I wanted it to be colourless.

Like love. Short. colourless. non existent. Break up call is something where you are supposed to be breaking up, alas.

I was burning inside. Never did I feel a stronger need to know what must’ve happened to her with this (call).

Days passed. Time went on. I spent days working and nights singing and shouting along to phil colin’s “I don’t care Anymore”.

When you are in relation with someone for a good time, everything seems to remind you of that ‘Someone’. Indeed time would heal the wound, but every wound before healing is bound to hurt more. Burn more.

And probably leave a mark.

Love is exactly like wound. Because it feels good to scratch around it. Scratch out good ol’ times.

After some more time, comes the time to stop whining about why did this happen. The Reason. Cause and effects. That time brings with it indifference, a sense of betrayal and remnants of untrust. Comes the time to wish the reality wasn’t this hard to mug. Comes the time to wish reality would be predictable. Comes the time for epic realization, that every relation is bound to fade, every affection bound to evaporate. What matters is time when the tides are gonna hit you.

I have come to believe that my sorrows are the only thing that are never going to leave me.

Farmville Frustration

farmville-for-dummies

farmville-for-dummies

Yo fellas, long time!
It’s about time another Creative frustration of mine came out. ย ๐Ÿ˜‰ And yeah, it ain’t a false alarm this time. Coz I mean business!ย So today’s topic of the series “I hate —-” is, our Progressive and bright….. FARMERS. Yeah. The Farmers. The chosen ones! If you are a facebook freak, then you must have heard ofย almost a Game called Farmville. If you haven’t, I admit you are one hell of a lucky bum. ๐Ÿ˜€
So, this (almost a ) game is about a retarted series of mouse clicks where you intend to farm crops and make them grow and sell into the market and earn the experience and bla bla bla..See, how exciting it sounds! Its an omnipotent, omniscient entity : Its present everywhere. On your facebook wall (clogging the otherwise important newsfeed), in your mails, on yourย cell phones and what not! Sometimes I am bound to think if God is the entity which will be created when enough of us will be connected being neighbours in the Farmville. (Gasp.)
I was just scrolling through my homepage looking for some Mirch masaaala when I saw this :
“Wendy found a Lonely Bull on their farm. Oh no!Wendy was farming when a Lonely Bull wandered onto their farm in FarmVille…. :-@
Awww… :-/
Now that’s really something to worry about. Look, ma, she’s found a LONELY BULL ON THEIR FARM. WILL SHE STARVE TO DEATH?I wonder if I’d go to hell for not adopting her.Also,
“Wendy visited your farm and left you a Nail!” (Gasp)

How Sweet of her to leave me a Nail! I was so in need of it. Thanks to the “The Nail” I can save this world from Poverty, Hunger, Terrorism and Economic Downtime.

I’d really be damned if I don’t play games like Call of Duty : Black Ops, Age of Empires, counter strike and stick to the Farmville : you know, Not being entertained isย the trending topic (#I_Don’t_need_to_be_Entertained). If its about being Lame, farming without the benefits of farming and losing your friends because of you clogging their wall withย posts about how generous you are to befriend them in Farmville by sending fuel, or Nails, or fertilising their crops OR even hatching your Chickens for you (Now that really sucks)!!

Yesterday A Really good friend of mine, “The Farmville Freak” (Here onwards referred to as FF) called me

ME : “Yo dude. Whats up?
FF : “M fine, buddy . Could you just do me a favour?”
ME : “Anything for you mate”
FF : “I am in an urgent need to go to washroom and it’s just that, oh shit!”
ME : “What? What’s going on?”
FF : “Its’ about the crops. They are about to wither in couple of minutes or so. I cant’ wait, I cant go.”
ME : “Dude? WTF? :-O ”
FF : “I just need you to fertilize my crops and buy me some time so that I can go to washroom? I won’t be away for much”.. Please fella”
ME : “You know, you are one sick dung of cow!”
FF : “Which reminds me, please milk my cow. She must be feeling sad. And don’t forget to PET her.”
ME : Stunned Silence.

There we go! Is it just that I dont realize the importance of farming or is the world has gone really crazy? I wish I owned a medicare company. I’d really make some medication for it.
Forgive us, Oh ye Prince of Insufficient Plight!!

Hail Everyone!

Afternotes and Epilogue :ย I Apologize to all guys walking on the face of earth with name “Wendy”. I suggest you stop playing Farmville right now.ย I apologize the friends of mine who really like Farmville. You know apart from this article thing, I Just Love This Game! ๐Ÿ˜›

Top Bollywood Trends # 1

Writers Disclaimer : All the content below are extremely real, and my own ideas about the content. All the offence and crap, well, my pleasure. ๐Ÿ™‚
ANY CHARACTER HERE
Top Bollywood Trends :

ANY CHARACTER HERE
For last couple of days, I was closely following the changing trends of Bollywood. Eclipsed and capsuled wih changes of aforesaid 21st Century, the Bollywood today is not something which it was like 5 years before. It was BOLLYWOOD back then, it is ASS-HOLE-YWOOD now. So, like all other uproaring blogs about the cheap shit we go to watch in expensive theatres, I decided to write something about it, and what better to write than the recent build ups in the chain! So, off we go :
ANY CHARACTER HERE
** Palindromes **
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Our Top Not-At-All-Important-News gathering Agency “India TV” has been allededly telecasting a special investigation report about the new trends in the bollywood songs. The Report states that according the new pattern they’ve deciphered, the songs closely follow a mathematical concept called Palindrome strings, which is something same no matter you read it from right or left. Like MALYALAM and Our political Leaders (pun intended in the sense of right and left).
The News channel was constantly looping a song in program labelling it the best example of the said scene :
Tere Mast Mast do Nain, Mere Dil ka le gaye Chain, Mere dil ka le gaye Chain, Tere mast mast do nain.”
Pretty obvious to spot the 1-2-2-1 thing, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰
That’s what we need analysts and MBA’s for I guess. ๐Ÿ˜€
Meanwhile some singers, particularly NASAL singers have objected to the study stating that there are too much exceptions to the much debated theory. A singer told us :
“It’s a fuss! I dont follow THAT while singing. My songs are only based on one word or two, as opposed to their one or two sentences. See, there are no palindromes in my songs.” I’d rather say, ” There are no accidents.” Too bad it’s not true, though. ๐Ÿ˜›
On the other hand of the story, the Movie Directors and producers have decided to cut on the salaries of Lyricist, reasoning
“If it’s about a word or two, heck we know we can do it as good as they can.”
Till now, the lyricists have warned about a hunger strike.
ANY CHARACTER HERE
** Robot **
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The 231st most anticipated movie (:D) of the millenium, ROBOT, is all set to release soon. The movie is so hyped that many directors have revealed their plans to remake it in advance. We talked with one such Director-Actor-Producer-Choreographer-Singer-Screenplay-Writer-Dialogue Lead, Mr Reshmiya.
“Mr. Rajni has always been an inspiration to me. It will be great to watch someone acting like a Robot, who knows acting. I think we will also do pretty good about it in our remake, because, I, even in the real life get compliments that my expressions are robotic and face expressionless. We are very excited about carrying it ASAP. One should always look to convert weeknesses in USP. Here in this case, it’s acting.”
Well, finally something where he’s upto the mark, I guess. So, We wish him good luck!
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** Softwares **
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Rumors have been rife last couple of days about a Big Fish from bollywood (sorry, ASS-HOLE-YWOOD) have contacted a big software company about making a software tool for them.
Though, we couldn’t confirm much facts about the issue, but like other news channels, eventually we had made our own. Anyways public is going to listen. According to the reports, they’ve signed a contract with Meecrosoft, A leading software firm, which has agreed to write a software and maintaine for them. What it will do is still unclear, but accoring to initial reports, the software will be able to :
— Pick a random Movie plot from the past. They are planning to add localization to the tool, which will enable them to pick movies from all across the world.
— Replace original story with new Characters, Clothes, Locations, and Aliases( Names).
— Replace original songs with new Palindromes. (See point no. 1)
— Pick a strategically chosen release date on one of the public holidays, as in Sallu will be released on Eid, Aamir on christmas, and for other actors, any dates except these.
They are planning to buy a licence for next ย 5 years. So we better not bother about a “Good Movie” for next 5 years or so. ๐Ÿ˜€
ANY CHARACTER HERE
To be Continued..

Hip-Hop Office Jargons Part – 2

Standard Office Jargons :

This is part 2 of the series “Standard Office Jargons”. For part 1, Please click here.

FYI logo

Image via Wikipedia

  • FYI : Don’t get on the length of this SENTENCE. This Uncanny officialese acronym does more than just annoying you. Everytime I get a mail with a long Mahabharatha Story written below an “FYI : For Your Information” mail, I get a rainbow of emotions. I wonder whoever wants to have me read this information overload, have really gave it a try himself? I guess not. Knowledge is to distribute, not grasp. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Atleast thats what seems true in official mail chains.
  • FTCQ : forwarding to correct queue, in other words, getting rid of it.
  • Oncall pager :ย  Its the device which shows your extreme chauvinism and jingoism towards your company and team. Its an evil agent which brings the pleasures of office works anywhere you can imagine. I’d rather switch off my pager before going to washroom, or I’d rather NOT go there. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Someone asked me what alias can be given to this frightful device, and allย  I could muster was “An antenna-Up-in-The-Ass”!!
  • OOO : Every time I send mails to a distro or multiple teams, I get atleast 5 OOO mails! Who the hell cares whether you are available or not!! All you have to do is to have someone else do the same thing you should have done in place, FTCQ!!!
  • EOD : End-Of-Day tasks or Jobs or operations, as is clear, are expected to finish by evening. I’d rather call them Armageddon events as if some asteroid is waiting for us to not complete the task so that it can strike us! Imagine someone yelling at youย  “I want reports rechecked, presentation made, defects fixed and HLD understood by the End of Day.” And I’d say, ‘Are you sure about End of Day or End of World, coz you took atleast 5 mins to count the tasks!”
  • Sweets @ my desk : Now this is a phenomena from where Coulomb got actually the idea of inverse square law of relative forces between things. You see, the rate of consumption of sweets is inversely proportional to the square of time you will get to reach the desk, so if you are not talking about superficial speeds of like 10 millisecond to reach, forget you are gona ever have a piece left. Even gravitational forces become too feeble over that magnitude, and here we are talking about sweets and chocolates. ๐Ÿ˜›
For part 3 of the series, click Here.

Weendows of mistakes # 1

I woke up from a horrible dream of Ekta Kkaaappooorr to some voices. At first what seemed like a box, it started meddling and jumping around.
A box! Awfully awake in a sudden pinch of amazement, my eyes opened to 180 degree hoping to find reality in the para visioning aperture. No use. It didn’t stop what it was doing. Leapfrogging my room.

Gathering some courage, I got up, yanked my self out of bed and tried to get off the room. The Thing sprang into action and blocked my way in tandem. Before I began comprehending what can that humansize box may be, it started unwinding and unhinging itself. I was put to the most horrific experience till date. May be I am going to have a devil right away in my home and (H)india TV is going to have another story for its audience.

The Thingโ„ข kept unfolding itself, systematically tearing off the pieces. A Ghost? Devil? My Manager?ย AT last, I saw it.

The Shining surface of The Thingโ„ข reflected in the sunlit room. It was so gorgeous to look upon. Couldnt believe at first it is a ROBOT! I’ve got an Iron Man snail mailed to my room this morning!

It had even a display at the chest. Suddenly a prompt appeared on the screen, and something like loading bar started filling out. The Thingโ„ข was booting up!!

A message appeared next,

“Press nose, left ear and head to begin.”

For some reason it felt terribly familiar. Anyhow, slave of my bewilderment, I did. A message flashed next on the screen :

“Welcome and congratulations for choosing Huma(n)bot 1.5. Powered by Meecrosoft Weendows Xp, the amazing performancesm brought at your doorstep. Press start to begin.”

Now it wasnt awful anymore. Rather it was getting creepy. The only thing I saw running Meecrosoft Weendows XP were the 64 MB super slow computers of my school. Can it run this much a big thing? It looks clear, beautiful, so windows like. ๐Ÿ˜‰
I guess, I will want to go dream Ektaa Kkkappooorr Anytime again. ๐Ÿ˜€

I pressed start button. Nothing happened. A message appeared
“hourglassing. Please wait…”

“Hourglassing is a revolutionary Meecrosoft Weendows Feature that helps you make coffee, get sleep and go on for a walk, while meecrosoft loads a website for you. At meecrosoft we call this Randomizing Behaviour Sequencing technology.”
So weendows like, all big names!

Atlast I saw it working! It blurted out :

“Hello, Master. How may I help you?”

“What can you do? What do I call you?” I said, still perplexed what use a weendows running 1 ton crap can be put use to.

“My OS can work out your reports, check mail, make you coffee, manage multimedia, networking and drive you to office.”

“Can you clean my toilet?”

“Fatal Exception occurred. You are requested to strike a sledge hammer if it doesnot respond. Please do not click on Don’t send error report if at all you see the dialogue box. ”
It explains why everything Meecrosoft gets from customers are just frustrating reports of error dumps. ๐Ÿ˜€

I went on to reboot it several times to atlast get it to speak again. I tested it with making coffee for me, which, it eventually did, almost right. If we leave the sugar-replaced-by-salt thing. ๐Ÿ˜‰

In evening, I again ordered it to make a coffee for me. I was this close to beat this thing in rubbles, when the screen flashed the message like :

“Your Coffee Maker 0.0.0.0.1 Always-Beta version is expired. Please buy the full version or get the hell outta here!”

To be continued… ๐Ÿ™‚

Yin and Yang of telephone manners

Yo Fellas.. Back again with a ย thumping thought!

It’s kinda weird the way certain people deal with other people. It seems there is a viscosity quotient, that stumbles and grows when they are together, but topples when they lose visual contacts. These people suffer from a disease not so usual, which is called “If I don’t see you, I won’t call you”. ๐Ÿ˜€ Not that it matters like life and death, but still. The symptoms?
Here goes :

they talk like “I cant remember calling somebody! What should I talk? I’ve got nothing to say!”

Not really a symptom eh? What did you think “They” are? Well, I am one of those “They”! And I ain’t suffering from a disease I tell ya!

But the things slightly really change. e.g. the way we (have to) interact with Male and Female friends over telephones. Ok, I admit, there is a HUGE difference the way we interact with the two categories. Girls are always more cynic. And mental. And superficial. Period. ๐Ÿ˜›

This was one of the d-days when I got two calls from my college friends, and they were really angry with me for not calling them regularly, like once in 6 days. (WTF?) Here we go!

(Male one)
Friend : Hi, man!
Me : Hey Buddy! How are you?
Friend : You go to hell!! You #$%#$%^$%^&%^%M and you cheap rascal, you couldn’t even call me all these days!
Me : Take it easy fella.. You haven’t died or gone mad or something.. What should I talk? Everything’s fine here!
Friend : you are one absolute bastard piece of … @#$@# ..! Hey, BTW, you know, I talked to Mukta yesterday!! ๐Ÿ˜€

And it all goes well after that. It’s like very DIRECT for us. For boys (humans).

But, for Girls. As in (friends, cousins, sisters)
(Female one\ non-human one)

Fiend : (Sorry, Friend ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) Hi.. (A Big Sigh)
Me : Hiiii (A bigger sigh)
Friend : Where have you been these days.. (Another sigh)
Me : Nothing.. Here only.. Was just busy somewhat.

(Now you are called nothing but an idiot if you use “Busy” with The Friend)
Friend : Apparently. You have got everything to do but call me. I dont have any importance in your life. You cant even call me on weekends. I cant believe you are telling me you were so busy that You couldnt even call me alas there is no willingness to meet. bla bla bla bla…
(For around 10 minutes. There is only one way to know when to stop this friend from speaking. Take out the cell phone and put a cotton bowl in your ear. If there are stains of blood. STOP HER!)

I put the phone down. I make coffee for myself. I put the bread in toaster. I get butter. I pour coffee. I take a chair and get to balcony. And get the phone back up to the ear. Ears, when subject to higher decible levels unceasingly, could get damaged.

“….. You have no respect for my feelings. Didnt you miss me?”
Me : I am sorry. yes yes.. I miss you.
Friend : like what?

And I went on to tell just like moon misses sun and that stuff. You know, girls never grow old. At the age of 40, they would still believe a man telling them you come to my dream. I mean, Grow Up!!

Mitigation to the disease : The Government is to pass a rule amending the current law of marriage age. For Girls, now onwards the marriage age should be atleast 30. So that there partners could be saved from severe mental distress and disorders. ๐Ÿ˜›

Hail Everyone!

The content below may be offensive to some people. I apologies to them. I had nothing better to write on. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Request to just enjoy..

Standard Office Jargons : 1

For those who go to office, I hope this would make a little sense. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Ever since I came into this office thing, I was trying to understand what hidden meanings are behind the standard jargons being spoken, and believe me, its no less than Dan Brown trying to track the holy Grail!
so, off we go :
***ย Can you please… ย  ***
Do not EVER think that the person is trying to be courteous to you. This sentence traces back its origin in the cliche we are tought on the day first of our training no matter what company you get started with. This just means that the person writing the mail doesnt has to think something new everytime he writes a new mail, which is a plenty if he’s a manager. ๐Ÿ˜‰
*** Looking into this..! ย ***ย 
This dangerous and frightful sentence warns you on behalf of replier that “He’s got no fucking idea about what you are talking about and you should stop expecting, or give him\her enough time to let her figure out how to deligate it to someone else, just like you did. ๐Ÿ˜›
I wonder sometimes whats so intense in the matter to look into, and after 15 mins, you get, “Still looking into it, and it’s very beautiful.” ๐Ÿ˜€ For god’s sake, Its a matter!
*** Please Join the Conversation/Bridge/Conference call… ***
These sentences have as horrible reasons as the synonyms to get you on your toes and Realize that your good day is over, instantly.
I feel like it being Colloseum, where big (and useless) people talk over some god knows what matter and fix some god knows what went wrong thing. Finding myself complacent when I come alive out of such things, I will never be able to look back and realize what the hell we were trying to fix in that tug of war telephonic Gladiatoronics! ๐Ÿ˜€
*** ย Adding/ + / looping/… ย  ***
Adding a Whole new person/team to the longest of email coversations (read it transfer of responsibility) in one flash and attaching some most irrelevant mails to the already existing nonsense is another downright absurd thing one could be subject to. If you are that person, I suggest you call your home/honey to say you will be late for dinner, coz you ain’t going nowhere now, nigga. ๐Ÿ˜‰
More to come… >
Edit : Please click here for part-2