Weendows of mistakes # 1

I woke up from a horrible dream of Ekta Kkaaappooorr to some voices. At first what seemed like a box, it started meddling and jumping around.
A box! Awfully awake in a sudden pinch of amazement, my eyes opened to 180 degree hoping to find reality in the para visioning aperture. No use. It didn’t stop what it was doing. Leapfrogging my room.

Gathering some courage, I got up, yanked my self out of bed and tried to get off the room. The Thing sprang into action and blocked my way in tandem. Before I began comprehending what can that humansize box may be, it started unwinding and unhinging itself. I was put to the most horrific experience till date. May be I am going to have a devil right away in my home and (H)india TV is going to have another story for its audience.

The Thingβ„’ kept unfolding itself, systematically tearing off the pieces. A Ghost? Devil? My Manager?Β AT last, I saw it.

The Shining surface of The Thingβ„’ reflected in the sunlit room. It was so gorgeous to look upon. Couldnt believe at first it is a ROBOT! I’ve got an Iron Man snail mailed to my room this morning!

It had even a display at the chest. Suddenly a prompt appeared on the screen, and something like loading bar started filling out. The Thingβ„’ was booting up!!

A message appeared next,

“Press nose, left ear and head to begin.”

For some reason it felt terribly familiar. Anyhow, slave of my bewilderment, I did. A message flashed next on the screen :

“Welcome and congratulations for choosing Huma(n)bot 1.5. Powered by Meecrosoft Weendows Xp, the amazing performancesm brought at your doorstep. Press start to begin.”

Now it wasnt awful anymore. Rather it was getting creepy. The only thing I saw running Meecrosoft Weendows XP were the 64 MB super slow computers of my school. Can it run this much a big thing? It looks clear, beautiful, so windows like. πŸ˜‰
I guess, I will want to go dream Ektaa Kkkappooorr Anytime again. πŸ˜€

I pressed start button. Nothing happened. A message appeared
“hourglassing. Please wait…”

“Hourglassing is a revolutionary Meecrosoft Weendows Feature that helps you make coffee, get sleep and go on for a walk, while meecrosoft loads a website for you. At meecrosoft we call this Randomizing Behaviour Sequencing technology.”
So weendows like, all big names!

Atlast I saw it working! It blurted out :

“Hello, Master. How may I help you?”

“What can you do? What do I call you?” I said, still perplexed what use a weendows running 1 ton crap can be put use to.

“My OS can work out your reports, check mail, make you coffee, manage multimedia, networking and drive you to office.”

“Can you clean my toilet?”

“Fatal Exception occurred. You are requested to strike a sledge hammer if it doesnot respond. Please do not click on Don’t send error report if at all you see the dialogue box. ”
It explains why everything Meecrosoft gets from customers are just frustrating reports of error dumps. πŸ˜€

I went on to reboot it several times to atlast get it to speak again. I tested it with making coffee for me, which, it eventually did, almost right. If we leave the sugar-replaced-by-salt thing. πŸ˜‰

In evening, I again ordered it to make a coffee for me. I was this close to beat this thing in rubbles, when the screen flashed the message like :

“Your Coffee Maker 0.0.0.0.1 Always-Beta version is expired. Please buy the full version or get the hell outta here!”

To be continued… πŸ™‚

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Oouch! I spilled My Coffee!

Howdy!!

I found this while surfing last night :

You’ve gotta worry about coffees and teas and water spilling all around you. US may screw you anytime soon now! πŸ™‚

Hail Everyone!

Courtesy : FailBlog

Yin and Yang of telephone manners

Yo Fellas.. Back again with a Β thumping thought!

It’s kinda weird the way certain people deal with other people. It seems there is a viscosity quotient, that stumbles and grows when they are together, but topples when they lose visual contacts. These people suffer from a disease not so usual, which is called “If I don’t see you, I won’t call you”. πŸ˜€ Not that it matters like life and death, but still. The symptoms?
Here goes :

they talk like “I cant remember calling somebody! What should I talk? I’ve got nothing to say!”

Not really a symptom eh? What did you think “They” are? Well, I am one of those “They”! And I ain’t suffering from a disease I tell ya!

But the things slightly really change. e.g. the way we (have to) interact with Male and Female friends over telephones. Ok, I admit, there is a HUGE difference the way we interact with the two categories. Girls are always more cynic. And mental. And superficial. Period. πŸ˜›

This was one of the d-days when I got two calls from my college friends, and they were really angry with me for not calling them regularly, like once in 6 days. (WTF?) Here we go!

(Male one)
Friend : Hi, man!
Me : Hey Buddy! How are you?
Friend : You go to hell!! You #$%#$%^$%^&%^%M and you cheap rascal, you couldn’t even call me all these days!
Me : Take it easy fella.. You haven’t died or gone mad or something.. What should I talk? Everything’s fine here!
Friend : you are one absolute bastard piece of … @#$@# ..! Hey, BTW, you know, I talked to Mukta yesterday!! πŸ˜€

And it all goes well after that. It’s like very DIRECT for us. For boys (humans).

But, for Girls. As in (friends, cousins, sisters)
(Female one\ non-human one)

Fiend : (Sorry, Friend πŸ˜‰ ) Hi.. (A Big Sigh)
Me : Hiiii (A bigger sigh)
Friend : Where have you been these days.. (Another sigh)
Me : Nothing.. Here only.. Was just busy somewhat.

(Now you are called nothing but an idiot if you use “Busy” with The Friend)
Friend : Apparently. You have got everything to do but call me. I dont have any importance in your life. You cant even call me on weekends. I cant believe you are telling me you were so busy that You couldnt even call me alas there is no willingness to meet. bla bla bla bla…
(For around 10 minutes. There is only one way to know when to stop this friend from speaking. Take out the cell phone and put a cotton bowl in your ear. If there are stains of blood. STOP HER!)

I put the phone down. I make coffee for myself. I put the bread in toaster. I get butter. I pour coffee. I take a chair and get to balcony. And get the phone back up to the ear. Ears, when subject to higher decible levels unceasingly, could get damaged.

“….. You have no respect for my feelings. Didnt you miss me?”
Me : I am sorry. yes yes.. I miss you.
Friend : like what?

And I went on to tell just like moon misses sun and that stuff. You know, girls never grow old. At the age of 40, they would still believe a man telling them you come to my dream. I mean, Grow Up!!

Mitigation to the disease : The Government is to pass a rule amending the current law of marriage age. For Girls, now onwards the marriage age should be atleast 30. So that there partners could be saved from severe mental distress and disorders. πŸ˜›

Hail Everyone!

The content below may be offensive to some people. I apologies to them. I had nothing better to write on. πŸ˜‰ Request to just enjoy..

Fainting in Dreams : oh, yeah it’s possible

A lot of people have an obsession to watching themselves flying in dreams. I say is it so difficult? try 3 pegs and you’ll soon be flying like anything. :). Had I been asked what I wanted to do in my dreams, I would say I will want to interview a Bollywood director. (Lolzz) For the records, EeeekkTTAaa KKkkkaapppoouour (keeping up with her names) is my favourite director. πŸ˜‰

So, God kinda granted my this wish and the very next day I was with Ms K. in my dreams. Here’s some excerpts what I could remember. I am so happy I couldnt remember whole interview, BTW πŸ˜›

Me : So, Ekta (here onwards kKk) tell us what’s behind your success as a director?
kKk : Its all because of God ‘K’. He has endowed me all these. Besides, New sarees and costumes, weeping actors, Never hiring a writer and extra stuffed names helped a lot.
Me : As a story teller, you are considered to be one of the most rated playmakers today. How do you keep yourself going?
kKk : Aww, Its nothing! πŸ™‚ You know, there was this set theory in our 9th Standard. I used to hate it there. But when I grew up, I actually derived a great many things from it in my stories!
Me (Stunned) : Really??
kKk : Oh yeah, you see, People like watching Marriages and love and betrayal and oh crap what is called,…
Me : Drama?
kKk : Exactly! So, you see, you start with a boy and a girl, and add as many characters as you yourself can’t remember. And then you assign each a set. Like those big circles of 9th Standard. And then you explore all the possibilities for who can marry whom and who can betray whom, which are, plenty. And then, round and round and round……
The secretary let out a stifled cough. kKk got the clue and stopped blabbering.
Me : Thats so brilliant of you. I could never solve set theory though. But I am a big fan of your Serial (Killers)!
kKk : Thanks.
Me : At this rate, don’t you think the women will be highest scoring species in CAT coz you are gona cover a whole range of possibilities!!
kKk : Excuse me?
Me : Err, nothing..
You’ve stepped your foot in bollywood too. We have seen some brilliant endeavours from you and your Brother, Tttuuuussshar. What about them?
kKk : He’s such a fine actor. As a flmmaker, you otta’ve innovative ideas, which have never been used. I take old subjects, but my every single creation is something new. It gives out a message.
Me : Whoa whoa whoa… What does it all mean?
kKk : Nothing. I tell them to every single fool who interviews me. Usually I steal the paper script from some old movie and feed them to a software, which changes names and clothes. Tttuuuussshar is so diverse, he can screw it in any manner. And so am I.
Me : Apparently. πŸ™‚
kKk : I really feel bad about women sitting in the house whole day and doing nothing. I wanted to change this. So, I decided to telecast them every day. In prime hours. So they can also have the courtesy to force their choices on husbands. This is my way of promoting women Empowerment.
I was awestruck. Certainly this woman only can produce the shit she is producing (and directing). Feeding on Womens desires gossips and new sarees, I wonder what things can come out! I thank god I didnt fainted in my dreams, other wise who would tell me to wake up from a dream in which I’ve fainted? Wait a minute, have I gone nuts? …..

Standard Office Jargons : 1

For those who go to office, I hope this would make a little sense. πŸ˜‰ Ever since I came into this office thing, I was trying to understand what hidden meanings are behind the standard jargons being spoken, and believe me, its no less than Dan Brown trying to track the holy Grail!
so, off we go :
***Β Can you please… Β  ***
Do not EVER think that the person is trying to be courteous to you. This sentence traces back its origin in the cliche we are tought on the day first of our training no matter what company you get started with. This just means that the person writing the mail doesnt has to think something new everytime he writes a new mail, which is a plenty if he’s a manager. πŸ˜‰
*** Looking into this..! Β ***Β 
This dangerous and frightful sentence warns you on behalf of replier that “He’s got no fucking idea about what you are talking about and you should stop expecting, or give him\her enough time to let her figure out how to deligate it to someone else, just like you did. πŸ˜›
I wonder sometimes whats so intense in the matter to look into, and after 15 mins, you get, “Still looking into it, and it’s very beautiful.” πŸ˜€ For god’s sake, Its a matter!
*** Please Join the Conversation/Bridge/Conference call… ***
These sentences have as horrible reasons as the synonyms to get you on your toes and Realize that your good day is over, instantly.
I feel like it being Colloseum, where big (and useless) people talk over some god knows what matter and fix some god knows what went wrong thing. Finding myself complacent when I come alive out of such things, I will never be able to look back and realize what the hell we were trying to fix in that tug of war telephonic Gladiatoronics! πŸ˜€
*** Β Adding/ + / looping/… Β  ***
Adding a Whole new person/team to the longest of email coversations (read it transfer of responsibility) in one flash and attaching some most irrelevant mails to the already existing nonsense is another downright absurd thing one could be subject to. If you are that person, I suggest you call your home/honey to say you will be late for dinner, coz you ain’t going nowhere now, nigga. πŸ˜‰
More to come… >
Edit : Please click here for part-2

acquaintances… acquaintances…

Lately I’ve been visiting my hometown somewhat frequently on vacations. I belong to a rather small place, which is slow in pace. Apparently a large percentage of people there are free to talk and listen no matter how boring things you share with them. I personally think there should be signboards alongside the borders of town, reading something like “Beware of your relatives, They may find you any time now.” πŸ™‚ Or, may be an air-hostess announcing to Β wear your disguises.

Anyhow, I reach home and and there is some-whom-I-have-never-seen-in-my-life people already.

“There he comes” one of uncles said. I felt I was about to be butchered.

“On vacation?” One aunt asked. “Not anymore” I was about to yell.

After all the rituals, touching feet and all, we sat (read it adjusted) together. I knew it would come soon.

“So what company do you work for, son?” One military accented uncle asked for atleast 4th time in last one year. No wait, 5th time πŸ˜›

I said in plain text I work for Amdocs. For the first time I said “I work for Amdocs, Uncle. Its a leading Billing solutions provider.” I will spare you the rest of imaginations what would’ve happened back then.

“I thought you worked for AT & T”, my mom said. Please dont start it again. I cannnot explain client relationships after a head banging journey for the fifth time.

“How much you earn? Β Why didn’t you go to site? Why dont you work in Infosys?” They keep asking the things only they know. After failing 4 times miserably I have realized its no point discussing the chronological questions which are to be asked every single goddamn time you are going to meet. Atleast Batman doesnt have to tell his relatives why he doesnt hang on the trees in the night even if he’s called Batman πŸ˜›

This very next day I was alone with my dad and I was busy showing him all the features of my new cell phone like google Maps and all. Ok. I agree I was trying to justify the high price I paid for that, which was followed by a lecture from parent about savings. He was so fascinated with the idea of being able to spotting his hometown in the little screen, that he actually made me show that over and over again to every friend of his we met that day-

“Hey you know this cell phone can track where you are. Even Dhar (my place) is visible!!!! 15 more exclaimation marks……!!!” πŸ™‚

And the friends are like “REeeeaaaallllyyYYYY???”

And dad is like, “Hey, show’em!”

And I am like “Here you go!”

And they’re like “Wow!! Its kewl Β man.” You can sense the ego salivating over word “Kewl”, a fashion statement in our hometown. It means they’re urbane.

And then in the end, dad says “Oh, and Bye the way, He’s my Son”.:D

I am so happy with all these. It spares me all the chronological Questionnaire disorder, And I am like “Yay, Everyday!” In the end, I’ve found my super power. Hail Everyone. πŸ˜€

If You Ever Had Enough (via anniegirl1138)

If You Ever Had Enough I found this on a yoga blog. What I have now, probably for the first time ever in my life, is enough. I am not complacent about it. I recognize that relationships are active and therefore require tending. I know that nothing about the strata of society I occupy is immune to disaster. But in societal terms I have come to recognize as my norm, what I have is plenty. There isn't a single thing or experience I lack. My emotional well brims and is rep … Read More

via anniegirl1138