What’s Trending you ask, Idiocy I say.

Heylloo and whats up! 2012 passed and 2013 is here already.
Basically here’s where I gotta write the intro part of the article. But heck, lets lose out into the matter at hand. Coz seriously I can’t think of something funny to say here every time you guys. Give the fellow man a break. Aaaaaaaand Off we go:

The Slap of truth: Dayaa ka chaanta

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Long gone are the days of concentration camps of Hitler, when chemists worked really hard to discover and synthesize chemical substances which could make you speak truth. India’s premier crime investigation unit CID uses a different model. Na na na, we are not talking about some other chemical shit, or electric chair. It’s something far more dangerous: The Slap of Truth! Dayaa, whose length is equal to breadth, is the man of the hour. No matter how hideous crime, how rough the criminal is, he’s bound to speak truth when he gets slapped by our fella. It’s a divine thing, actually. There is one more advantage actually, as soon as the criminal gets slapped; the criminal gets delivered to CID headquarters, unless they are not already there.

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Sometimes I am bound to think that stories for CID are written backwards. They decide who’s going to commit crime, what crime, who will get killed and then they come to why.

It’s about time Dayaa starts a stall outside malls and parliament. 1 slap for 200 bucks, 2 for 150.

100 Crore ka Sach!

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Okay. Forbes say increasing prices of movie tickets are responsible for movies grossing in excess of 100 crores today. growing no of multiplexes, digital reprints, wide releases. They all might constitute to this outrageously exceeding collections. But in my opinion the main reason is the same which is the reason for india’s upwards of 100 crore population: “Illiteracy”. ahem? ahem? Did I lie.

I mean who the fuck are these people who go to watch heroes cranking people’s skull and everytime they slap villains in the head, there is a sound of two metal balls colliding. Thhhhannnnnnnnnnn! What’s up with that???

On few occassion we were trapped in the movie halls of these films, I have seen my friends amidst song humming the lyrics even before they’ve sung it in song. I mean how predictable you wanna be. I bet you there would be an android app on the market right now for creating movies. It will take input : Hero, Heroine & villain name, Name of production to decide the release date and a plot from another 100 crore grossing movie. After all the story writer is a chimpanzee from the near jungle on a booze and doped heavy. Or may be some birds chirped on keyboard and the story writer called it a day.

Salman khan seems to be on a truth and dare contest where someone has given him a task: Either marry or do movies without storywriters. Well the latter is easy so here we are.

MTV roadies: Everything which is wrong with Today’s youth.

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So I heard somewhere that MTV roadies is kicking off its 10th Seasons. Oh no. I mean the city’s gutters are already choking down enough shit and we are starting roadies 10. They are advertising on TV that Roadies is the first reality show to reach 10th season. Well, someone needs to know when to stop. Guys. I’ll tell you. You know what roadies is? Apart from being a pathetic ground to show off swearing is a KEWL thing, it represents everything which is wrong with today’s youth.

Oay, tell me what kind of real world situation you are gonna find yourself into where you’ll have to Poll dance.

It’s a show of duality. You’ll be taught to be respectful to girls yet you’ll have to hurl limitless abuses towards each other. Honestly will be rewarded only if its backed by dirty politics about who will vote out whom. The only thing which is constant about it is it’s Straightfold Dumb!

Govt should make a separate facility for the people who look forward to new seasons of this show and will want to attend the interview.

Ain’t this article got a beginning. And it sure as hell isn’t gonna have an end. So see you lovely fellas soon!

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Piece out!

Selling Happiness since 1920

Several Post apocalyptic movies have depicted in great detail what could happen in a world where humans might be tormented by machines. Terminator, The Matrix, and there are couple more not worth mentioning. In these movies humans are shown to be proud of being capable of having emotions. To have hope. to experience Pain, love and happiness. To be able to cry. Well I gotta tell ya folks, it looks overrated to me. Its as if Bill Gates is being mocked by a beggar that he can’t sleep on streets or can’t Savour being hungry for days and being winced by cold winter. Nevertheless, there is one thing I am sure humans would be proud of in such a world, where robots and machines will prevail. That is, use of Emoticons in chat and emotions in Advertisements [Pun intended].

Point in case: Utterly and butterly delicious “Happiness” being used in advertisements now-a-days. I guess nobody is selling products, since they are so busy selling happiness cloacked with consumerism. You go to grocery store to buy cholesterol free oil, guess what, happiness comes along free with it. Wanna buy a coke to quench your thirst? Don’t open the friggin’ coke, you gotta open the happiness first. Are you buying a dairymilk chocolate for your girlfriend, well no sir, first you have to make sure its the right occassion to say “Kuchh Meetha ho jaaye”. Are you Fuckin’ kidding me?

None of this is as big a crap as Big B selling you boroplus in the name of “Sardi ki Nazar na lage”. IT’S A FRIGGING COLD CREAM TO PREVENT YOUR SKIN FROM BEING DRY. GET IT?

Have you seen the Tata Nano ad? It’s as if they want us to make fun of them. Khushiyon ki chaabi, my foot. I am gonna kill you with that same key if you give me a Khushiyon ki chaabi for 1 Lac Rupees instead of the actual car keys. Happiness I can manage. I want a car key from you, dumbass.

I absolutely get it that our Indian society is emotionally driven. Everybody here is either laughing or crying. Every sentence here ends with an emoticon, rofl and lol (more about that later) Every facebook photo is a portrait of how happy the chap is to be somewhere. Every status about being home is demanding a declaration of how happy the poor guy is to be at home.

I mean what’s up with all this declaration stuff. Who do you want to prove that you are enjoying? How ridiculous does it even sound to go visit some place and instead of living the moment there, you are busy capturing the whole thing on camera so that you could *INSTANTLY* share it to show people you are ENJOYING. This particular feeling of happiness is what drives the companies to create whole Ad campaigns targetting Human Emotions.

And in the end, he said to me “How hard it is to be happy, yeah?”

Peace out!

Oo Oo Womaniya!!

Did you know that 80% of the advertisements today are produced keeping woman’s appeal in mind. (Actually I just made that up, 😛 but you get the drift). I was watching a south Indian movie this sunday and there came the famous “Sirf 2 minutes ka break!”. For some reason, I didnt change the channel (I didn’t have a choice to go to, its weekend, what do you expect.) so I sat through the Ads. And Boy, I realized that nowadays advertisements are made for chimpanzees, not for humans. So dumb! Even a monkey knows he’s not gonna get a monkey chick just because he used a specific brand of underwear. Grow up, losers! The only way you’re gonna get somebody to like you is good old ways: Talk, communicate, improvise. Spoiler: you don’t need to wear deodorants!! I know, right?

So I thought, instead of continue watching that dumb movie, why not educate our country’s teenagers a little bit, who I think eat grass in dinner. So wannabes, off we go!

** Deodorant **

Ah, my favourites! So people, first and foremost. When it’s hot outside, you sweat. And you fatasses sweat so bad, that it stinks. People can’t stand within 10 feet from you. So, a company starts making deodorants. Which does what? NO! It doesn’t get you chicks. 😀 It frees you from your stench. I can promise you the only plus you are getting off a bottle of deodorant is that you won’t choke and die on your own smell. 😀 Got it? Now repeat after me: “Deodorants don’t get you chicks.”. Good. Good.

Girls: Not that it matters, but whatever you do, you will get guys I promise. So, just one advice: Do whatever you want.

** Toothpaste **

“Paas Aao, Meri saanso me samaao.”

I remember watching a lady in a retro 70’s ad while a person hummed this song “Kya aap close up karte hain”. Such a catchy tune. Until a couple months ago, I was aware of the fact that toothpastes are for brushing your teeth. The only other use I knew of this product was to eat it in childhood, because they tasted so awesome!! 😀

But guess what, according to the recent studies (read Ads) it turns out, if you are brushing your teeth with Close-up, you are gonna get kissed from a lady, who herself would brush her teeth with same paste! Otherwise, ofcourse its not possible. I mean, what is the point of kissing when one’s brushed teeth and other has just used Mintos!

** Clothes & Undergarments (Don hai to On hai) **

Ok this is self-explanatory.

** Mobile Phones **

Okay, this one is straightfold dumb. There was an ad on TV a few days ago where a phone boasts of ultra fast Wi-Fi and promises to make your life ultrafast. So, this idiot girl sits close to her and laughs on a comedy video streaming “Only because the phone has ultrafast WiFi you know”. The guy notices the girl having a good time and comfortably puts his arms around her. Now, 1st point is it’s difficult to point out the guy in this ad.

If you’ve had any experience even closer to this, do tell me in comments, but the “Ultra-Gay” event depicted in the Ad is never supposed to happen (Although I wish a hug was that cheap 😉 ).

It’s kind of disappointing to see the quality of Ads. I remember and miss the days of Ads like “Wonderful Doodh”, “Nerolac”, “Dairy Milk”.

Once in a while we see good ads today. But the pace with which the concentration is shifting towards attracting girls/women in Advertisements is awful. India is a country which rides on waves. Amitabh Sneezes one morning and the whole India goes out of their minds. Be it cricket, be it Anna Hazare/Lokpal bills, Orkut/facebook: We always overdo things. This new wave riding teenagers’ mind: Having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I gotta tell ya fellas, its completely overrated. 😀

Oh, you wanna smash me in comments, go on talk about forever alone. I won’t blame you lot. But think over the point. Sometimes its good to give a little exercise to young chap. Let’s wear our thinking hats shall we.

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Peace out!

Edit: One of my friends took offence on calling that South Indian movie “Dumb”. Whilst I appreciate his scrupulous eye, on the other hand I want to clarify, I can call any movie “Dumb” I want. It’s not regionally adherent, but believe me or not, most of the movies made today ARE DUMB. So, southies don’t need to take any offence here, alright? Peace out!

Farmville Frustration

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Yo fellas, long time!
It’s about time another Creative frustration of mine came out.  😉 And yeah, it ain’t a false alarm this time. Coz I mean business! So today’s topic of the series “I hate —-” is, our Progressive and bright….. FARMERS. Yeah. The Farmers. The chosen ones! If you are a facebook freak, then you must have heard of almost a Game called Farmville. If you haven’t, I admit you are one hell of a lucky bum. 😀
So, this (almost a ) game is about a retarted series of mouse clicks where you intend to farm crops and make them grow and sell into the market and earn the experience and bla bla bla..See, how exciting it sounds! Its an omnipotent, omniscient entity : Its present everywhere. On your facebook wall (clogging the otherwise important newsfeed), in your mails, on your cell phones and what not! Sometimes I am bound to think if God is the entity which will be created when enough of us will be connected being neighbours in the Farmville. (Gasp.)
I was just scrolling through my homepage looking for some Mirch masaaala when I saw this :
“Wendy found a Lonely Bull on their farm. Oh no!Wendy was farming when a Lonely Bull wandered onto their farm in FarmVille…. :-@
Awww… :-/
Now that’s really something to worry about. Look, ma, she’s found a LONELY BULL ON THEIR FARM. WILL SHE STARVE TO DEATH?I wonder if I’d go to hell for not adopting her.Also,
“Wendy visited your farm and left you a Nail!” (Gasp)

How Sweet of her to leave me a Nail! I was so in need of it. Thanks to the “The Nail” I can save this world from Poverty, Hunger, Terrorism and Economic Downtime.

I’d really be damned if I don’t play games like Call of Duty : Black Ops, Age of Empires, counter strike and stick to the Farmville : you know, Not being entertained is the trending topic (#I_Don’t_need_to_be_Entertained). If its about being Lame, farming without the benefits of farming and losing your friends because of you clogging their wall with posts about how generous you are to befriend them in Farmville by sending fuel, or Nails, or fertilising their crops OR even hatching your Chickens for you (Now that really sucks)!!

Yesterday A Really good friend of mine, “The Farmville Freak” (Here onwards referred to as FF) called me

ME : “Yo dude. Whats up?
FF : “M fine, buddy . Could you just do me a favour?”
ME : “Anything for you mate”
FF : “I am in an urgent need to go to washroom and it’s just that, oh shit!”
ME : “What? What’s going on?”
FF : “Its’ about the crops. They are about to wither in couple of minutes or so. I cant’ wait, I cant go.”
ME : “Dude? WTF? :-O ”
FF : “I just need you to fertilize my crops and buy me some time so that I can go to washroom? I won’t be away for much”.. Please fella”
ME : “You know, you are one sick dung of cow!”
FF : “Which reminds me, please milk my cow. She must be feeling sad. And don’t forget to PET her.”
ME : Stunned Silence.

There we go! Is it just that I dont realize the importance of farming or is the world has gone really crazy? I wish I owned a medicare company. I’d really make some medication for it.
Forgive us, Oh ye Prince of Insufficient Plight!!

Hail Everyone!

Afternotes and Epilogue : I Apologize to all guys walking on the face of earth with name “Wendy”. I suggest you stop playing Farmville right now. I apologize the friends of mine who really like Farmville. You know apart from this article thing, I Just Love This Game! 😛