Oo Oo Womaniya!!

Did you know that 80% of the advertisements today are produced keeping woman’s appeal in mind. (Actually I just made that up, 😛 but you get the drift). I was watching a south Indian movie this sunday and there came the famous “Sirf 2 minutes ka break!”. For some reason, I didnt change the channel (I didn’t have a choice to go to, its weekend, what do you expect.) so I sat through the Ads. And Boy, I realized that nowadays advertisements are made for chimpanzees, not for humans. So dumb! Even a monkey knows he’s not gonna get a monkey chick just because he used a specific brand of underwear. Grow up, losers! The only way you’re gonna get somebody to like you is good old ways: Talk, communicate, improvise. Spoiler: you don’t need to wear deodorants!! I know, right?

So I thought, instead of continue watching that dumb movie, why not educate our country’s teenagers a little bit, who I think eat grass in dinner. So wannabes, off we go!

** Deodorant **

Ah, my favourites! So people, first and foremost. When it’s hot outside, you sweat. And you fatasses sweat so bad, that it stinks. People can’t stand within 10 feet from you. So, a company starts making deodorants. Which does what? NO! It doesn’t get you chicks. 😀 It frees you from your stench. I can promise you the only plus you are getting off a bottle of deodorant is that you won’t choke and die on your own smell. 😀 Got it? Now repeat after me: “Deodorants don’t get you chicks.”. Good. Good.

Girls: Not that it matters, but whatever you do, you will get guys I promise. So, just one advice: Do whatever you want.

** Toothpaste **

“Paas Aao, Meri saanso me samaao.”

I remember watching a lady in a retro 70’s ad while a person hummed this song “Kya aap close up karte hain”. Such a catchy tune. Until a couple months ago, I was aware of the fact that toothpastes are for brushing your teeth. The only other use I knew of this product was to eat it in childhood, because they tasted so awesome!! 😀

But guess what, according to the recent studies (read Ads) it turns out, if you are brushing your teeth with Close-up, you are gonna get kissed from a lady, who herself would brush her teeth with same paste! Otherwise, ofcourse its not possible. I mean, what is the point of kissing when one’s brushed teeth and other has just used Mintos!

** Clothes & Undergarments (Don hai to On hai) **

Ok this is self-explanatory.

** Mobile Phones **

Okay, this one is straightfold dumb. There was an ad on TV a few days ago where a phone boasts of ultra fast Wi-Fi and promises to make your life ultrafast. So, this idiot girl sits close to her and laughs on a comedy video streaming “Only because the phone has ultrafast WiFi you know”. The guy notices the girl having a good time and comfortably puts his arms around her. Now, 1st point is it’s difficult to point out the guy in this ad.

If you’ve had any experience even closer to this, do tell me in comments, but the “Ultra-Gay” event depicted in the Ad is never supposed to happen (Although I wish a hug was that cheap 😉 ).

It’s kind of disappointing to see the quality of Ads. I remember and miss the days of Ads like “Wonderful Doodh”, “Nerolac”, “Dairy Milk”.

Once in a while we see good ads today. But the pace with which the concentration is shifting towards attracting girls/women in Advertisements is awful. India is a country which rides on waves. Amitabh Sneezes one morning and the whole India goes out of their minds. Be it cricket, be it Anna Hazare/Lokpal bills, Orkut/facebook: We always overdo things. This new wave riding teenagers’ mind: Having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I gotta tell ya fellas, its completely overrated. 😀

Oh, you wanna smash me in comments, go on talk about forever alone. I won’t blame you lot. But think over the point. Sometimes its good to give a little exercise to young chap. Let’s wear our thinking hats shall we.

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Peace out!

Edit: One of my friends took offence on calling that South Indian movie “Dumb”. Whilst I appreciate his scrupulous eye, on the other hand I want to clarify, I can call any movie “Dumb” I want. It’s not regionally adherent, but believe me or not, most of the movies made today ARE DUMB. So, southies don’t need to take any offence here, alright? Peace out!

Facebook Personalities

So the Facebook IPO went on fire this last month, and facebook couldn’t agree more to the fact that it was all because of the millions of newbies who “Log in, Sign up or Learn more” every god damn month on Facebook. This, chitter-chatter, this vulgar display of incessant, unnecessary and imaginary tidbits of their knowledges and horrible insights about the lives: This is all too much and I snapped last night. So here I am writing another of my frustrations in a more to come of series :). Today we are gonna see different Facebook personalities we encounter while online.

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I know this might have been written many times, but I know you geeky heads always want more of this meandering I go about doing about other geekyheads :P. So here’s your today’s dose of gossip:

**** The Oversharers ****

“Good morning Friends!”

“Having lunch at home and loving it”

“Wow what a dump I took, feels so relaxed now.”

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If you are familiar with any of the above sentence, you have a facebook friend who qualifies for this personality type. These guys share/update so involuntarily, that if you were to gain a cent every time they share, you’ll be a millionaire in a day. 😀 A particular class of this category goes ahead one step and pings you on chat to like their newly put status. It’s like scoring a goal on empty goalpost and make others celebrate about that :P.

**** The Liker and Disliker. ****

Each one of us has atleast one friends who goes about liking people’s stuff. No matter what you set your status to, they will like it. If you share a new video of 4 minutes, 2 people will like it within 1 minute. It’s as if an unknown force drives them to do this and they have no control whatsoever on this. 😉

This one, being my Favourite, I can’t stress enough:

**** “The Photographer” ****

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Honestly, the way camera prices have decreased, I don’t really appreciate it. Although there is no harm if people are learning something and they post their photos to facebook to know what others think about. But Photographers, Listen to me:

Clicking a Black and White photo doesn’t mean it will always be nice. It doesn’t mean that the photo is very deep and “tells me something” either. So if people are liking it for no reason, believe me, you’ve got a lot of likers in your friendslist. 😛 (see pt 2).

PS : Installing an App called Instagrams doesn’t make you a photohgrapher either.

**** The Taggers ****

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These are facebook’s “Tag! You’re it” guys. If you wake up a fine morning and login to facebook to see 11 notifications, don’t get all too crazy, it’s just some stupid friend of your’s who has uploaded a “Good morning” wallpaper and tagged 122 people in it. Some 67 Liker guys have liked it and 45 “incessant Ranters” have thanked that douche for tagging them along. 😛

You’ve got to be on a lookout for these bunch. They are most active around Festivals, Days of National influence, friendship day, Valentine’s day and what not!

 

 

Edit:

Part-2 is in pipeline. 🙂

So there’s yet Another Social Network.

So, there is yet another social network. Some people are happy, some are just frustrated with the thought that they might have to start all over again. I have been pretty old in this business in the sense that I had a well maintained Orkut account before I could learn to use internet for study. 😉 I’ve had more accounts on websites, forums and social circles, that I had actual friends. The person who sent me orkut invite knew nothing about email, but he knew how to leave a scrap. It was all too fascinating in those days. After healthy 7 years in this business, I felt I should write something about the Web networks that we’ve all been a part of at one point or another. It’s been a long time and it would be helpful if we divide them into periods of time rather than one long paragraph. (actually this is just one of my tricks to make it look important to readers :P) So, Off we go!

The Orkut-Myspace-Era(2002 – I-dont-Know-I-am-Dead-Yet) :

2005. Not so many people knew internet around. Cyber cafes charged fierce 50 bucks and hour, and they still had doors ;-).
Myspace was too advance, so public migrated to Orkut. Those were the days of “Kewl” Captions, the Famous Mass scrap scripts.

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People used to chat with scrapbook just to increase Them-Number-of-Scraps-on-Profile to boast about! I won’t talk to a person in real world as readily as I will talk to him on orkut. Those were the days of joining several communities and people felt pride in the number of emails orkut generated for them. (I had them marked as spam, a little ahead of curve, you know).

Time flew and the interest with orkut started to wither out in spite of all the efforts from the Google. They tried changing themes, incorporated games, updates and what not. But to no avail. The time had come. Soon, we would see how one giant fell to another just to pick up again the same title.

The Facebook-Friendfeed-Era (2003 – I-Wont-Give-Up)

Just like cursing Microsoft was a style statement those days, soon orkut picked up the fame of being social network for relatively lame internet users. Not being on orkut, or not being able to open your orkut to follow updates became mark of a true internet user. There was a knight who came to their rescue, who had written a website to compare faces of chicks by the time other students learnt to cheat. Allegedly stealing the idea of (Really?) his fellow students, he wrote the code for another social networking website. Thefacebook.com! Yes, that’s what the bored public wanted. Yet another network to fool themselves from the reality. Like an empty public transport, people hopped on it. Facebook became new sensation eating up some other chronic baby social networks as well.

Facebook developer opened up news ways of sharing and suddenly every single website I surfed had a like button and share button. More so, I could see which of my friends like about particular brand, company or organization. It was so easy to sneak up at their music and movie preferences. That was a particularly good feature in the sense that with every shared snippet of web(whether a video, an article, or image) Facebook was advertising for their own. When Microsoft bought 1.6 % of Facebook shares for a whopping $ 240 MN, I knew it was to stay for a long time.

The Wall and Notifications replaced scraps. Internet Frenzies ran to get the same donuts: only in a new shape. The newsfeed seemed like a great feature, until your lame friends started clogging it with the Farmville requests. The new games, Facebook chat, Awesome looking interface, and the concept of “Like”. They really did an awesome job there. But so did Orkut when it was a baby. Just as Winkle Voss brothers came to know that it’s better to have some money than this website which is gonna wear out one day or another, it was Mark Zuckerberg’s turn to realize the same. So, they started incorporating extra features, which felt as if Facebook will do pretty good if they weren’t there in the first place! Like the new Facebook chat:

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The Google+ Era (2011 – Still in Diapers)

Google took a big hit with the Facebook punching it in the face. With just India and Brazil in hand, they felt they had to do something. And Yes they did. Two terrible things came across as fighters: Google Wave and Google Buzz. Maybe both were developed after smoking a joint. 🙂 I really don’t understand. Maybe the team developing the Buzz just hi-fived each other and hoped for the best! :PSo, they were knocked out on their own. This added up to the spice and since then people started anticipating what Google will come up with for the third time.

Maybe with the failure of these two projects one thing was clear. Facebook had changed things around in the social circle arena, Forever. It was not just a matter of building a product who lets you sneak up on friends. It was about universal sharing. It was about being present everywhere on web. It was about being present on every single device, Coz people are freaking around, facebooking and twitting from washrooms and what nots.

Then came the big tide. There came the +1. A worthy competitor at last to Facebook Like. Although people were resilient at first, they started seeing the big picture. With millions of webpage crawled and recrawled under it’s belly, Google could do wonders by sorting them in order of social +1. Now I see the big picture. With Hangout feature, they gave people yet another reason to leave Facebook and join Google+.

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It will be very interesting to see this war, unlike others, because Google has introduced their product at a time when Facebook is doing pretty good. Maybe it’s about stealing some share of the pie, or maybe it’s potentially the largest thing on the web.

We will see it soon.

Have something else on mind? Don’t forget to share! That’s what it’s all about!!

Kudos!

Farmville Frustration

farmville-for-dummies

farmville-for-dummies

Yo fellas, long time!
It’s about time another Creative frustration of mine came out.  😉 And yeah, it ain’t a false alarm this time. Coz I mean business! So today’s topic of the series “I hate —-” is, our Progressive and bright….. FARMERS. Yeah. The Farmers. The chosen ones! If you are a facebook freak, then you must have heard of almost a Game called Farmville. If you haven’t, I admit you are one hell of a lucky bum. 😀
So, this (almost a ) game is about a retarted series of mouse clicks where you intend to farm crops and make them grow and sell into the market and earn the experience and bla bla bla..See, how exciting it sounds! Its an omnipotent, omniscient entity : Its present everywhere. On your facebook wall (clogging the otherwise important newsfeed), in your mails, on your cell phones and what not! Sometimes I am bound to think if God is the entity which will be created when enough of us will be connected being neighbours in the Farmville. (Gasp.)
I was just scrolling through my homepage looking for some Mirch masaaala when I saw this :
“Wendy found a Lonely Bull on their farm. Oh no!Wendy was farming when a Lonely Bull wandered onto their farm in FarmVille…. :-@
Awww… :-/
Now that’s really something to worry about. Look, ma, she’s found a LONELY BULL ON THEIR FARM. WILL SHE STARVE TO DEATH?I wonder if I’d go to hell for not adopting her.Also,
“Wendy visited your farm and left you a Nail!” (Gasp)

How Sweet of her to leave me a Nail! I was so in need of it. Thanks to the “The Nail” I can save this world from Poverty, Hunger, Terrorism and Economic Downtime.

I’d really be damned if I don’t play games like Call of Duty : Black Ops, Age of Empires, counter strike and stick to the Farmville : you know, Not being entertained is the trending topic (#I_Don’t_need_to_be_Entertained). If its about being Lame, farming without the benefits of farming and losing your friends because of you clogging their wall with posts about how generous you are to befriend them in Farmville by sending fuel, or Nails, or fertilising their crops OR even hatching your Chickens for you (Now that really sucks)!!

Yesterday A Really good friend of mine, “The Farmville Freak” (Here onwards referred to as FF) called me

ME : “Yo dude. Whats up?
FF : “M fine, buddy . Could you just do me a favour?”
ME : “Anything for you mate”
FF : “I am in an urgent need to go to washroom and it’s just that, oh shit!”
ME : “What? What’s going on?”
FF : “Its’ about the crops. They are about to wither in couple of minutes or so. I cant’ wait, I cant go.”
ME : “Dude? WTF? :-O ”
FF : “I just need you to fertilize my crops and buy me some time so that I can go to washroom? I won’t be away for much”.. Please fella”
ME : “You know, you are one sick dung of cow!”
FF : “Which reminds me, please milk my cow. She must be feeling sad. And don’t forget to PET her.”
ME : Stunned Silence.

There we go! Is it just that I dont realize the importance of farming or is the world has gone really crazy? I wish I owned a medicare company. I’d really make some medication for it.
Forgive us, Oh ye Prince of Insufficient Plight!!

Hail Everyone!

Afternotes and Epilogue : I Apologize to all guys walking on the face of earth with name “Wendy”. I suggest you stop playing Farmville right now. I apologize the friends of mine who really like Farmville. You know apart from this article thing, I Just Love This Game! 😛

Facebook Trends # 1

Howdy!

Long as long we surf internet : one window of browser is honestly devoted to Facebook. Skimming over the pages browsing updates, comments, shared media, girls, piks :-X and what-not. Seldom we would use our brain while on Facebook, lest being rational. I thought of Documenting this rather Beautiful human phenomenon and here we are!

So, let’s shed some light on some of in-demand trends of Face book :

1. Face book is a very effective tool for women empowerement and gender discrimination against Men :

(Courtesy : http://ankitmehta.net/facebook-profile-gender-discrimination)

2. With this newly introduced ‘Micro – blogging’ and a strong-will-to-write-than-read, we’ve got more people updating their status more frequently than they go for pee. We might as well see Chat and IM programs appending a new status : “Away for a pee” in their already too-personal list. Updating facebook status is also a practice space for copy paste :

  • Go to Sickipedia, or quotes.com
  • Copy a good looking line.
  • paste in to the facebook “What you are upto”.

Tadaa!! 🙂

3. Even Moore wouldn’t have imagined complications of his own law when he concluded “cost of electronics items will halve every year. With all those High end (and Cheap) cameras and more people swarming over social networking, its such an anguish looking over your albums-laden Facebook wall which shows people showing out cheesy faces and crippled gestures and rotated views. Gosh Its boring. Unless its a GIRL. See point number 1. 😉

4. Creating groups-that-nobody-cares-about. Imagine what good this group name tells you “Me and My cell”. Two of sleight, isn’t it? Really, its good to congregate. Grab the attention. But you might not be inventing more pokes than are already there. 😀 I mean, okay, we get it. YOU ARE KOOL. Now stop it alright?

So, fellas, you got it right. Facebook IS for females. Or males obsessed with praising, Sharing every single thing they watch on youtube, imitating KEWL with absurd likes and groups. And so, I will go on and paste an update about the blog I just posted. 😉

To be Contd..