Hip – Hop Office Jargons – 3

Folks!

As we all know how famous a writer I am when it comes to documenting the oldest of the jargons being used around in office. I am not going to disappoint you, and here I am back with all the flying word-o-nama again. Here we go again:

Office Jargon

Please advice :

This is a short hand, good looking notation for “This is your job, not mine, moron.”

 

Please check :

Now get your ass to work on it right now.

 

After analyzing the issue :

We haven’t actually done anything substantial on the issue. But we can’t say that directly. So, instead, we went on and analyzed the issue, because that’s something you can’t measure and we will have something to show in place of actual work.

 

Thanks and Regards

No Jargon this time. It’s called a signature. You put it when you finish writing. So did I. Grow up, guys. 😀

 

That about sums up for this bulletin on jargon. Hail burrows!!

This was part 3 of the series Office Jargon.

For part 1 : Click Here.

For Part 2 : Click Here.

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Weendows of mistakes # 1

I woke up from a horrible dream of Ekta Kkaaappooorr to some voices. At first what seemed like a box, it started meddling and jumping around.
A box! Awfully awake in a sudden pinch of amazement, my eyes opened to 180 degree hoping to find reality in the para visioning aperture. No use. It didn’t stop what it was doing. Leapfrogging my room.

Gathering some courage, I got up, yanked my self out of bed and tried to get off the room. The Thing sprang into action and blocked my way in tandem. Before I began comprehending what can that humansize box may be, it started unwinding and unhinging itself. I was put to the most horrific experience till date. May be I am going to have a devil right away in my home and (H)india TV is going to have another story for its audience.

The Thing™ kept unfolding itself, systematically tearing off the pieces. A Ghost? Devil? My Manager? AT last, I saw it.

The Shining surface of The Thing™ reflected in the sunlit room. It was so gorgeous to look upon. Couldnt believe at first it is a ROBOT! I’ve got an Iron Man snail mailed to my room this morning!

It had even a display at the chest. Suddenly a prompt appeared on the screen, and something like loading bar started filling out. The Thing™ was booting up!!

A message appeared next,

“Press nose, left ear and head to begin.”

For some reason it felt terribly familiar. Anyhow, slave of my bewilderment, I did. A message flashed next on the screen :

“Welcome and congratulations for choosing Huma(n)bot 1.5. Powered by Meecrosoft Weendows Xp, the amazing performancesm brought at your doorstep. Press start to begin.”

Now it wasnt awful anymore. Rather it was getting creepy. The only thing I saw running Meecrosoft Weendows XP were the 64 MB super slow computers of my school. Can it run this much a big thing? It looks clear, beautiful, so windows like. 😉
I guess, I will want to go dream Ektaa Kkkappooorr Anytime again. 😀

I pressed start button. Nothing happened. A message appeared
“hourglassing. Please wait…”

“Hourglassing is a revolutionary Meecrosoft Weendows Feature that helps you make coffee, get sleep and go on for a walk, while meecrosoft loads a website for you. At meecrosoft we call this Randomizing Behaviour Sequencing technology.”
So weendows like, all big names!

Atlast I saw it working! It blurted out :

“Hello, Master. How may I help you?”

“What can you do? What do I call you?” I said, still perplexed what use a weendows running 1 ton crap can be put use to.

“My OS can work out your reports, check mail, make you coffee, manage multimedia, networking and drive you to office.”

“Can you clean my toilet?”

“Fatal Exception occurred. You are requested to strike a sledge hammer if it doesnot respond. Please do not click on Don’t send error report if at all you see the dialogue box. ”
It explains why everything Meecrosoft gets from customers are just frustrating reports of error dumps. 😀

I went on to reboot it several times to atlast get it to speak again. I tested it with making coffee for me, which, it eventually did, almost right. If we leave the sugar-replaced-by-salt thing. 😉

In evening, I again ordered it to make a coffee for me. I was this close to beat this thing in rubbles, when the screen flashed the message like :

“Your Coffee Maker 0.0.0.0.1 Always-Beta version is expired. Please buy the full version or get the hell outta here!”

To be continued… 🙂

Standard Office Jargons : 1

For those who go to office, I hope this would make a little sense. 😉 Ever since I came into this office thing, I was trying to understand what hidden meanings are behind the standard jargons being spoken, and believe me, its no less than Dan Brown trying to track the holy Grail!
so, off we go :
*** Can you please…   ***
Do not EVER think that the person is trying to be courteous to you. This sentence traces back its origin in the cliche we are tought on the day first of our training no matter what company you get started with. This just means that the person writing the mail doesnt has to think something new everytime he writes a new mail, which is a plenty if he’s a manager. 😉
*** Looking into this..!  *** 
This dangerous and frightful sentence warns you on behalf of replier that “He’s got no fucking idea about what you are talking about and you should stop expecting, or give him\her enough time to let her figure out how to deligate it to someone else, just like you did. 😛
I wonder sometimes whats so intense in the matter to look into, and after 15 mins, you get, “Still looking into it, and it’s very beautiful.” 😀 For god’s sake, Its a matter!
*** Please Join the Conversation/Bridge/Conference call… ***
These sentences have as horrible reasons as the synonyms to get you on your toes and Realize that your good day is over, instantly.
I feel like it being Colloseum, where big (and useless) people talk over some god knows what matter and fix some god knows what went wrong thing. Finding myself complacent when I come alive out of such things, I will never be able to look back and realize what the hell we were trying to fix in that tug of war telephonic Gladiatoronics! 😀
***  Adding/ + / looping/…   ***
Adding a Whole new person/team to the longest of email coversations (read it transfer of responsibility) in one flash and attaching some most irrelevant mails to the already existing nonsense is another downright absurd thing one could be subject to. If you are that person, I suggest you call your home/honey to say you will be late for dinner, coz you ain’t going nowhere now, nigga. 😉
More to come… >
Edit : Please click here for part-2