What’s Trending you ask, Idiocy I say.

Heylloo and whats up! 2012 passed and 2013 is here already.
Basically here’s where I gotta write the intro part of the article. But heck, lets lose out into the matter at hand. Coz seriously I can’t think of something funny to say here every time you guys. Give the fellow man a break. Aaaaaaaand Off we go:

The Slap of truth: Dayaa ka chaanta

ย 5071_CID-Tanki-khali-hai_faadooindia.com_

Long gone are the days of concentration camps of Hitler, when chemists worked really hard to discover and synthesize chemical substances which could make you speak truth. India’s premier crime investigation unit CID uses a different model. Na na na, we are not talking about some other chemical shit, or electric chair. Itโ€™s something far more dangerous: The Slap of Truth! Dayaa, whose length is equal to breadth, is the man of the hour. No matter how hideous crime, how rough the criminal is, he’s bound to speak truth when he gets slapped by our fella. It’s a divine thing, actually. There is one more advantage actually, as soon as the criminal gets slapped; the criminal gets delivered to CID headquarters, unless they are not already there.

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Sometimes I am bound to think that stories for CID are written backwards. They decide who’s going to commit crime, what crime, who will get killed and then they come to why.

Itโ€™s about time Dayaa starts a stall outside malls and parliament. 1 slap for 200 bucks, 2 for 150.

100 Crore ka Sach!

Dabanggg

Okay. Forbes say increasing prices of movie tickets are responsible for movies grossing in excess of 100 crores today. growing no of multiplexes, digital reprints, wide releases. They all might constitute to this outrageously exceeding collections. But in my opinion the main reason is the same which is the reason for india’s upwards of 100 crore population: “Illiteracy”. ahem? ahem? Did I lie.

I mean who the fuck are these people who go to watch heroes cranking people’s skull and everytime they slap villains in the head, there is a sound of two metal balls colliding. Thhhhannnnnnnnnnn! What’s up with that???

On few occassion we were trapped in the movie halls of these films, I have seen my friends amidst song humming the lyrics even before they’ve sung it in song. I mean how predictable you wanna be. I bet you there would be an android app on the market right now for creating movies. It will take input : Hero, Heroine & villain name, Name of production to decide the release date and a plot from another 100 crore grossing movie. After all the story writer is a chimpanzee from the near jungle on a booze and doped heavy. Or may be some birds chirped on keyboard and the story writer called it a day.

Salman khan seems to be on a truth and dare contest where someone has given him a task: Either marry or do movies without storywriters. Well the latter is easy so here we are.

MTV roadies: Everything which is wrong with Todayโ€™s youth.

mtv_roadies

So I heard somewhere that MTV roadies is kicking off its 10th Seasons. Oh no. I mean the city’s gutters are already choking down enough shit and we are starting roadies 10. They are advertising on TV that Roadies is the first reality show to reach 10th season. Well, someone needs to know when to stop. Guys. I’ll tell you. You know what roadies is? Apart from being a pathetic ground to show off swearing is a KEWL thing, it represents everything which is wrong with today’s youth.

Oay, tell me what kind of real world situation you are gonna find yourself into where you’ll have to Poll dance.

It’s a show of duality. You’ll be taught to be respectful to girls yet you’ll have to hurl limitless abuses towards each other. Honestly will be rewarded only if its backed by dirty politics about who will vote out whom. The only thing which is constant about it is it’s Straightfold Dumb!

Govt should make a separate facility for the people who look forward to new seasons of this show and will want to attend the interview.

Ain’t this article got a beginning. And it sure as hell isn’t gonna have an end. So see you lovely fellas soon!

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Piece out!

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Break ke Baad

“Hey.”

“Yea?”

“It’s me.”

“Hey.. What’s up?”

“I just called to say Goodbye.”

“Umm.. Good.. bye?”

“Yeah. Have a nice life.”

Click.

I wanted it to be short. I wanted it to be colourless.

Like love. Short. colourless. non existent. Break up call is something where you are supposed to be breaking up, alas.

I was burning inside. Never did I feel a stronger need to know what must’ve happened to her with this (call).

Days passed. Time went on. I spent days working and nights singing and shouting along to phil colin’s “I don’t care Anymore”.

When you are in relation with someone for a good time, everything seems to remind you of that ‘Someone’. Indeed time would heal the wound, but every wound before healing is bound to hurt more. Burn more.

And probably leave a mark.

Love is exactly like wound. Because it feels good to scratch around it. Scratch out good ol’ times.

After some more time, comes the time to stop whining about why did this happen. The Reason. Cause and effects. That time brings with it indifference, a sense of betrayal and remnants of untrust. Comes the time to wish the reality wasn’t this hard to mug. Comes the time to wish reality would be predictable. Comes the time for epic realization, that every relation is bound to fade, every affection bound to evaporate. What matters is time when the tides are gonna hit you.

I have come to believe that my sorrows are the only thing that are never going to leave me.

Top Bollywood Trends # 1

Writers Disclaimer : All the content below are extremely real, and my own ideas about the content. All the offence and crap, well, my pleasure. ๐Ÿ™‚
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Top Bollywood Trends :

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For last couple of days, I was closely following the changing trends of Bollywood. Eclipsed and capsuled wih changes of aforesaid 21st Century, the Bollywood today is not something which it was like 5 years before. It was BOLLYWOOD back then, it is ASS-HOLE-YWOOD now. So, like all other uproaring blogs about the cheap shit we go to watch in expensive theatres, I decided to write something about it, and what better to write than the recent build ups in the chain! So, off we go :
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** Palindromes **
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Our Top Not-At-All-Important-News gathering Agency “India TV” has been allededly telecasting a special investigation report about the new trends in the bollywood songs. The Report states that according the new pattern they’ve deciphered, the songs closely follow a mathematical concept called Palindrome strings, which is something same no matter you read it from right or left. Like MALYALAM and Our political Leaders (pun intended in the sense of right and left).
The News channel was constantly looping a song in program labelling it the best example of the said scene :
Tere Mast Mast do Nain, Mere Dil ka le gaye Chain, Mere dil ka le gaye Chain, Tere mast mast do nain.”
Pretty obvious to spot the 1-2-2-1 thing, eh? ๐Ÿ˜‰
That’s what we need analysts and MBA’s for I guess. ๐Ÿ˜€
Meanwhile some singers, particularly NASAL singers have objected to the study stating that there are too much exceptions to the much debated theory. A singer told us :
“It’s a fuss! I dont follow THAT while singing. My songs are only based on one word or two, as opposed to their one or two sentences. See, there are no palindromes in my songs.” I’d rather say, ” There are no accidents.” Too bad it’s not true, though. ๐Ÿ˜›
On the other hand of the story, the Movie Directors and producers have decided to cut on the salaries of Lyricist, reasoning
“If it’s about a word or two, heck we know we can do it as good as they can.”
Till now, the lyricists have warned about a hunger strike.
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** Robot **
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The 231st most anticipated movie (:D) of the millenium, ROBOT, is all set to release soon. The movie is so hyped that many directors have revealed their plans to remake it in advance. We talked with one such Director-Actor-Producer-Choreographer-Singer-Screenplay-Writer-Dialogue Lead, Mr Reshmiya.
“Mr. Rajni has always been an inspiration to me. It will be great to watch someone acting like a Robot, who knows acting. I think we will also do pretty good about it in our remake, because, I, even in the real life get compliments that my expressions are robotic and face expressionless. We are very excited about carrying it ASAP. One should always look to convert weeknesses in USP. Here in this case, it’s acting.”
Well, finally something where he’s upto the mark, I guess. So, We wish him good luck!
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** Softwares **
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Rumors have been rife last couple of days about a Big Fish from bollywood (sorry, ASS-HOLE-YWOOD) have contacted a big software company about making a software tool for them.
Though, we couldn’t confirm much facts about the issue, but like other news channels, eventually we had made our own. Anyways public is going to listen. According to the reports, they’ve signed a contract with Meecrosoft, A leading software firm, which has agreed to write a software and maintaine for them. What it will do is still unclear, but accoring to initial reports, the software will be able to :
— Pick a random Movie plot from the past. They are planning to add localization to the tool, which will enable them to pick movies from all across the world.
— Replace original story with new Characters, Clothes, Locations, and Aliases( Names).
— Replace original songs with new Palindromes. (See point no. 1)
— Pick a strategically chosen release date on one of the public holidays, as in Sallu will be released on Eid, Aamir on christmas, and for other actors, any dates except these.
They are planning to buy a licence for next ย 5 years. So we better not bother about a “Good Movie” for next 5 years or so. ๐Ÿ˜€
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To be Continued..

Weendows of mistakes # 1

I woke up from a horrible dream of Ekta Kkaaappooorr to some voices. At first what seemed like a box, it started meddling and jumping around.
A box! Awfully awake in a sudden pinch of amazement, my eyes opened to 180 degree hoping to find reality in the para visioning aperture. No use. It didn’t stop what it was doing. Leapfrogging my room.

Gathering some courage, I got up, yanked my self out of bed and tried to get off the room. The Thing sprang into action and blocked my way in tandem. Before I began comprehending what can that humansize box may be, it started unwinding and unhinging itself. I was put to the most horrific experience till date. May be I am going to have a devil right away in my home and (H)india TV is going to have another story for its audience.

The Thingโ„ข kept unfolding itself, systematically tearing off the pieces. A Ghost? Devil? My Manager?ย AT last, I saw it.

The Shining surface of The Thingโ„ข reflected in the sunlit room. It was so gorgeous to look upon. Couldnt believe at first it is a ROBOT! I’ve got an Iron Man snail mailed to my room this morning!

It had even a display at the chest. Suddenly a prompt appeared on the screen, and something like loading bar started filling out. The Thingโ„ข was booting up!!

A message appeared next,

“Press nose, left ear and head to begin.”

For some reason it felt terribly familiar. Anyhow, slave of my bewilderment, I did. A message flashed next on the screen :

“Welcome and congratulations for choosing Huma(n)bot 1.5. Powered by Meecrosoft Weendows Xp, the amazing performancesm brought at your doorstep. Press start to begin.”

Now it wasnt awful anymore. Rather it was getting creepy. The only thing I saw running Meecrosoft Weendows XP were the 64 MB super slow computers of my school. Can it run this much a big thing? It looks clear, beautiful, so windows like. ๐Ÿ˜‰
I guess, I will want to go dream Ektaa Kkkappooorr Anytime again. ๐Ÿ˜€

I pressed start button. Nothing happened. A message appeared
“hourglassing. Please wait…”

“Hourglassing is a revolutionary Meecrosoft Weendows Feature that helps you make coffee, get sleep and go on for a walk, while meecrosoft loads a website for you. At meecrosoft we call this Randomizing Behaviour Sequencing technology.”
So weendows like, all big names!

Atlast I saw it working! It blurted out :

“Hello, Master. How may I help you?”

“What can you do? What do I call you?” I said, still perplexed what use a weendows running 1 ton crap can be put use to.

“My OS can work out your reports, check mail, make you coffee, manage multimedia, networking and drive you to office.”

“Can you clean my toilet?”

“Fatal Exception occurred. You are requested to strike a sledge hammer if it doesnot respond. Please do not click on Don’t send error report if at all you see the dialogue box. ”
It explains why everything Meecrosoft gets from customers are just frustrating reports of error dumps. ๐Ÿ˜€

I went on to reboot it several times to atlast get it to speak again. I tested it with making coffee for me, which, it eventually did, almost right. If we leave the sugar-replaced-by-salt thing. ๐Ÿ˜‰

In evening, I again ordered it to make a coffee for me. I was this close to beat this thing in rubbles, when the screen flashed the message like :

“Your Coffee Maker 0.0.0.0.1 Always-Beta version is expired. Please buy the full version or get the hell outta here!”

To be continued… ๐Ÿ™‚

Select Excerpts from my Book : Part-2

Chapter-8 : Preparations Leaves.

PREPARATION LEAVES ARE THOSE THINGS, AT THE name of which every normal, I repeat, normal collegian (That would exclude toppers) relies to prepare for exams. Although, the actual purpose of PLs is supposed to be the revision of all the subjects, making sure you are ready for exams, a final touch down. But, for most of the people, it’s time they start thinking about something called ‘Study’. There is a PL life cycle, which works all-in-all same for everyone-

First, in the start of PLs, you are highly spirited and always think of scoring more than 75%. You keep discussing with friends how the paper is gonna come, and you study a little bit. Well, it’s just the start of PL. Time tables are made, and we keep believing we have divided our time between subjects as strategically perfect as it can be. In fact, we spend more time making time tables than studying itself, and most of the times, they are as idealistic as our great politicians. And this is not the only similarity between the two. e.g., both never follow what they say. ๐Ÿ˜‰

As a matter of fact, for us nothing seems to be feasible when it comes to studies. When some days pass, and you realize that half of PL is over playing games and going to girls places for studies ๐Ÿ˜€ , you learn it’s impossible now to score 75% with the time left, and considering your performance in the last days of PL, you submit yourself to the idea of settling down at 65%, i.e. first division. Time tables (Exam – manifesto) are revised, this time a ‘little more feasible’, and followed a ‘Little bit more seriously’, than before. The resistance we provide to our luxuries in the non-study days, like TV, games, late night chatting- increases and we fight more with the books, pressing hard to understand the words and symbols which seem to be in another language, thanks to our kind ritual of paying no attention at all in the classes when the things are being spoken. After a good day of study (atmost 3 hrs), you think that had we been studying whole semester, we’d scored great deal of marks. ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ Which never happens. And now please stop comparing politicians and time table. All apart, we are still far better than politicians. Coz we manage to pass. ๐Ÿ˜‰

And the days finally arrive, when you have only 2 days left to first exam. Realizing that you did nothing in the whole fucking PLs, you settle down with god in your prayers to just cross the mark of 35, the hallmark of success : To clear the subject!! The tension building up in your head signals the mind to hasten the production of adrenaline, which fuels our understanding of everything, and suddenly we see that we are learning everything faster than usual!! Its the only good thing about exams, that you are actually able to ‘HOLD’ the books for more than 5 hours*!!!(* favorable, factory conditions)

So, there was I, again, in the same condition, like they say, ‘Never Better’!! I was in my room, with Nikku the Sister surveilling over me, this time for Mom, that whether I am studying or not. My cell phone was seized by mom, in order that I will have a productive study time!! Once you get into college, studies always haunt you like anything. Considering that you have lost the habit of poking your heads into [syllabus] books, you are stunned by the number of activities and intents your mind starts cornicing about. Moving your pen, frequently checking the clock, turning pages of books blindly to check how much chapter is more to go, and in some special cases, which porn did I put up last night on torrent ๐Ÿ˜‰ . I got my eyes off the book for a moment, and Nikku startled in the chair, ready to call mom. I threw one of Alpenlibes from my pocket, and signaled her to shut her mouth down. She took it, and again dipped herself into combing hair of doll.

I stood up, and started walking aimlessly. The time since I discussed the matter of Anusha with Amey, and he’d proposed idea of my being in love with her, things were really bad. I couldn’t help but think about her repeatedly, about the times we’d spent together, about the laughs we shared, the talks we spared dwindling nights in over useless talks, and……….. that last fight. The feeling of guilt was now strong enough to overwhelm other emotions, and it was getting difficult for me to refrain from ignoring her. It would be now 3 weeks, almost a month, I didn’t talk to her, although whatever she said that day wasn’t wrong. I needed to talk to her. Otherwise those fucking neurons in my head won’t stop thinking about her. I will have to redeem myself from the pangs of guilt. But, with cell phone being in custody of momma, it wasn’t an option. And the exam next day, mom really would kill me on this very immoral idea!! Fuck the morals!! Fuck everything!! I need to talk. If I would talk, I may fail, but if I won’t, surely I will!! I want that cell back. As the clocks’ crystal oscillated to make the final movement for 10 in the night, I decided something, and walked to Nikku. I needed her in this.

โ€œHey, sis…What’s up?โ€ I chided, putting a smile even wider than her rag doll on my face to lure her.

โ€œWhat do you want??โ€ She hissed, sensing the [unnecessary] love in my voice.

โ€œHow many of those you have received from mom to play a spy on me for her??? Be honest.โ€ I asked, signaling to the candies in her bag, my voice showing the authority, after her rude reply.

โ€œOhh…. No No!! Dad gave them to me. Mom’s not spying on you.โ€ She said, her voice lacking experience required to lie. I stared her for a moment.

โ€œOk, ok.. 3 of them.โ€

โ€œI will give you 5, if you can bring back my phone. Nothing else. Just bring it back. Rest I will see. I won’t take your name.โ€

10 minutes passed, and phone was there in my hands. With everyone in the home around, it was difficult for me to talk at the moment. So, I decided to wait for a while, and took my dinner instead. That would even make sure to mom, that everything is normal. The time by which I returned to my room, the clock showed a healthy 11 in the night. Everything was perfect. Mom-dad went to bed by this time, and Nikku couldn’t hold up this far in the night. I decided to not talk in my room, for Nikku could wake virtually any moment, and she’s definitely not entitled to listen the kinda talks we were about to share. I thought I would just apologize to Anusha and talk a while, so that I can get her the hell out of my mind. I thought terrace would be best option to talk tonight. But then, I must wait for even minutest movements to cease. I can’t take risks with exams dancing up my head. I checked balance in phone. 30 rs. I was good to go. I started up the stairs, and underway started dialing the number for her, but before even I could dial the whole numbers, my phone began to vibrate. I saw the name. In the nocturnal silence of the terrace, my heartbeats began to collide my chest, and the sound materialized solid, like a drummer playing his loudest melody.
.
..

….
…..
…….

It was Anusha………..

Select Excerpts from My Book Part : 1

Chapter-3 : My first Ragging!! ๐Ÿ™‚

โ€œSIR, THE TIME NOW IS 02 hrs, 12 mins, 34 seconds, 35 seconds, 36 seconds, 37 seconds, 38…..โ€

โ€œStop!!โ€

I stopped. I never told time to anyone like this, although I had to, today. Why?? Welcome to the 1st year of Engineering, where your very survival depends upon the amount of shame you DON’T possess, how much you can listen to the seniors and how much you can’t…..to teachers! But who would bother to listen time like this, anyway?? Who was this โ€œSeniorโ€? I don’t know. And I was trying my best to not convey this information to him, coz once he would know I don’t know his name, it would take another painful series of instructions and traditions to ask his name and remember it, for our next possible encounters! I have spent 1 month here, and I am yet to feel comfortable with this new system, where everything seems to be working opposite of what you expect. Ragging hungry seniors, assignments hungry and over-expecting faculty, who think you are pursuing B.E. for the second time, and above all, those sadistic animals, ‘Toppers’ with you, who don’t even possess an iota of unity, I
guess.

SLAP!!! I just felt a strong force on my cheek, and by the time I realized what exactly happened, that cheek got reddish, like I had never seen before.

โ€œYou fucking bastard, don’t you know how to stand in front of a senior?? Why are you untied at collar? And why the fuck you didn’t shave??โ€ He commanded, rather demanded to be provided the answer.

โ€œI am sorry, sirโ€ was all I could manage. It was really a NEW, wild experience, to get beaten by a senior, just because I didn’t fucking shave??? Who the hell is he to teach me anyway? Another Slap, on
other cheek, and I was begging him to let me go, otherwise they would see me crying for the first time in my life. But they didn’t pardon my request and I received another submission, in the name of Creative
Punishment. Another night to spare, rather waste, writing assignments of someone, whom I don’t even know (although you have to adeptly admit that you know this guy too, if you don’t want yourself copying a bunch of papers next night too!!) Maybe taking a course other than Engineering wasn’t such a bad idea…..

My Book : Part 1

Hey ya!
The time since this blogging fever has caught me upright, I decided to put some serious dividends to the effort, and most importantly, break free from the habit of not making my works public. ๐Ÿ™‚

So, apart from other content, I start this series of posts, in which I am gonna post the select chapters of my own-written book, “Engineering?… Hmm”
Quite shaggy name, I know..But, well, its that way only.
besides providing new content, this series will sincerely alleviate those excuses of my readers and friends who grieve they can’t stand my words for long time.. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I spare them the third degree torture and provide small tiny tortures. ๐Ÿ˜€

Well, as usual comments are highly appreciated as well desired as no writer is complete without the space and opportunity to make himself better.

In case someone is interested in whole book, which is quite rare, I would be more than too happy to provide him with one.

Happy Reading!
– Chirag.