What’s Trending you ask, Idiocy I say.

Heylloo and whats up! 2012 passed and 2013 is here already.
Basically here’s where I gotta write the intro part of the article. But heck, lets lose out into the matter at hand. Coz seriously I can’t think of something funny to say here every time you guys. Give the fellow man a break. Aaaaaaaand Off we go:

The Slap of truth: Dayaa ka chaanta

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Long gone are the days of concentration camps of Hitler, when chemists worked really hard to discover and synthesize chemical substances which could make you speak truth. India’s premier crime investigation unit CID uses a different model. Na na na, we are not talking about some other chemical shit, or electric chair. Itโ€™s something far more dangerous: The Slap of Truth! Dayaa, whose length is equal to breadth, is the man of the hour. No matter how hideous crime, how rough the criminal is, he’s bound to speak truth when he gets slapped by our fella. It’s a divine thing, actually. There is one more advantage actually, as soon as the criminal gets slapped; the criminal gets delivered to CID headquarters, unless they are not already there.

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Sometimes I am bound to think that stories for CID are written backwards. They decide who’s going to commit crime, what crime, who will get killed and then they come to why.

Itโ€™s about time Dayaa starts a stall outside malls and parliament. 1 slap for 200 bucks, 2 for 150.

100 Crore ka Sach!

Dabanggg

Okay. Forbes say increasing prices of movie tickets are responsible for movies grossing in excess of 100 crores today. growing no of multiplexes, digital reprints, wide releases. They all might constitute to this outrageously exceeding collections. But in my opinion the main reason is the same which is the reason for india’s upwards of 100 crore population: “Illiteracy”. ahem? ahem? Did I lie.

I mean who the fuck are these people who go to watch heroes cranking people’s skull and everytime they slap villains in the head, there is a sound of two metal balls colliding. Thhhhannnnnnnnnnn! What’s up with that???

On few occassion we were trapped in the movie halls of these films, I have seen my friends amidst song humming the lyrics even before they’ve sung it in song. I mean how predictable you wanna be. I bet you there would be an android app on the market right now for creating movies. It will take input : Hero, Heroine & villain name, Name of production to decide the release date and a plot from another 100 crore grossing movie. After all the story writer is a chimpanzee from the near jungle on a booze and doped heavy. Or may be some birds chirped on keyboard and the story writer called it a day.

Salman khan seems to be on a truth and dare contest where someone has given him a task: Either marry or do movies without storywriters. Well the latter is easy so here we are.

MTV roadies: Everything which is wrong with Todayโ€™s youth.

mtv_roadies

So I heard somewhere that MTV roadies is kicking off its 10th Seasons. Oh no. I mean the city’s gutters are already choking down enough shit and we are starting roadies 10. They are advertising on TV that Roadies is the first reality show to reach 10th season. Well, someone needs to know when to stop. Guys. I’ll tell you. You know what roadies is? Apart from being a pathetic ground to show off swearing is a KEWL thing, it represents everything which is wrong with today’s youth.

Oay, tell me what kind of real world situation you are gonna find yourself into where you’ll have to Poll dance.

It’s a show of duality. You’ll be taught to be respectful to girls yet you’ll have to hurl limitless abuses towards each other. Honestly will be rewarded only if its backed by dirty politics about who will vote out whom. The only thing which is constant about it is it’s Straightfold Dumb!

Govt should make a separate facility for the people who look forward to new seasons of this show and will want to attend the interview.

Ain’t this article got a beginning. And it sure as hell isn’t gonna have an end. So see you lovely fellas soon!

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Piece out!

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Selling Happiness since 1920

Several Post apocalyptic movies have depicted in great detail what could happen in a world where humans might be tormented by machines. Terminator, The Matrix, and there are couple more not worth mentioning. In these movies humans are shown to be proud of being capable of having emotions. To have hope. to experience Pain, love and happiness. To be able to cry. Well I gotta tell ya folks, it looks overrated to me. Its as if Bill Gates is being mocked by a beggar that he can’t sleep on streets or can’t Savour being hungry for days and being winced by cold winter. Nevertheless, there is one thing I am sure humans would be proud of in such a world, where robots and machines will prevail. That is, use of Emoticons in chat and emotions in Advertisements [Pun intended].

Point in case: Utterly and butterly delicious “Happiness” being used in advertisements now-a-days. I guess nobody is selling products, since they are so busy selling happiness cloacked with consumerism. You go to grocery store to buy cholesterol free oil, guess what, happiness comes along free with it. Wanna buy a coke to quench your thirst? Don’t open the friggin’ coke, you gotta open the happiness first. Are you buying a dairymilk chocolate for your girlfriend, well no sir, first you have to make sure its the right occassion to say “Kuchh Meetha ho jaaye”. Are you Fuckin’ kidding me?

None of this is as big a crap as Big B selling you boroplus in the name of “Sardi ki Nazar na lage”. IT’S A FRIGGING COLD CREAM TO PREVENT YOUR SKIN FROM BEING DRY. GET IT?

Have you seen the Tata Nano ad? It’s as if they want us to make fun of them. Khushiyon ki chaabi, my foot. I am gonna kill you with that same key if you give me a Khushiyon ki chaabi for 1 Lac Rupees instead of the actual car keys. Happiness I can manage. I want a car key from you, dumbass.

I absolutely get it that our Indian society is emotionally driven. Everybody here is either laughing or crying. Every sentence here ends with an emoticon, rofl and lol (more about that later) Every facebook photo is a portrait of how happy the chap is to be somewhere. Every status about being home is demanding a declaration of how happy the poor guy is to be at home.

I mean what’s up with all this declaration stuff. Who do you want to prove that you are enjoying? How ridiculous does it even sound to go visit some place and instead of living the moment there, you are busy capturing the whole thing on camera so that you could *INSTANTLY* share it to show people you are ENJOYING. This particular feeling of happiness is what drives the companies to create whole Ad campaigns targetting Human Emotions.

And in the end, he said to me “How hard it is to be happy, yeah?”

Peace out!

Oo Oo Womaniya!!

Did you know that 80% of the advertisements today are produced keeping woman’s appeal in mind. (Actually I just made that up, ๐Ÿ˜› but you get the drift). I was watching a south Indian movie this sunday and there came the famous “Sirf 2 minutes ka break!”. For some reason, I didnt change the channel (I didn’t have a choice to go to, its weekend, what do you expect.) so I sat through the Ads. And Boy, I realized that nowadays advertisements are made for chimpanzees, not for humans. So dumb! Even a monkey knows he’s not gonna get a monkey chick just because he used a specific brand of underwear. Grow up, losers! The only way you’re gonna get somebody to like you is good old ways: Talk, communicate, improvise. Spoiler: you don’t need to wear deodorants!! I know, right?

So I thought, instead of continue watching that dumb movie, why not educate our country’s teenagers a little bit, who I think eat grass in dinner. So wannabes, off we go!

** Deodorant **

Ah, my favourites! So people, first and foremost. When it’s hot outside, you sweat. And you fatasses sweat so bad, that it stinks. People can’t stand within 10 feet from you. So, a company starts making deodorants. Which does what? NO! It doesn’t get you chicks. ๐Ÿ˜€ It frees you from your stench. I can promise you the only plus you are getting off a bottle of deodorant is that you won’t choke and die on your own smell. ๐Ÿ˜€ Got it? Now repeat after me: “Deodorants don’t get you chicks.”. Good. Good.

Girls: Not that it matters, but whatever you do, you will get guys I promise. So, just one advice: Do whatever you want.

** Toothpaste **

“Paas Aao, Meri saanso me samaao.”

I remember watching a lady in a retro 70’s ad while a person hummed this song “Kya aap close up karte hain”. Such a catchy tune. Until a couple months ago, I was aware of the fact that toothpastes are for brushing your teeth. The only other use I knew of this product was to eat it in childhood, because they tasted so awesome!! ๐Ÿ˜€

But guess what, according to the recent studies (read Ads) it turns out, if you are brushing your teeth with Close-up, you are gonna get kissed from a lady, who herself would brush her teeth with same paste! Otherwise, ofcourse its not possible. I mean, what is the point of kissing when one’s brushed teeth and other has just used Mintos!

** Clothes & Undergarments (Don hai to On hai) **

Ok this is self-explanatory.

** Mobile Phones **

Okay, this one is straightfold dumb. There was an ad on TV a few days ago where a phone boasts of ultra fast Wi-Fi and promises to make your life ultrafast. So, this idiot girl sits close to her and laughs on a comedy video streaming “Only because the phone has ultrafast WiFi you know”. The guy notices the girl having a good time and comfortably puts his arms around her. Now, 1st point is it’s difficult to point out the guy in this ad.

If you’ve had any experience even closer to this, do tell me in comments, but the “Ultra-Gay” event depicted in the Ad is never supposed to happen (Although I wish a hug was that cheap ๐Ÿ˜‰ ).

It’s kind of disappointing to see the quality of Ads. I remember and miss the days of Ads like “Wonderful Doodh”, “Nerolac”, “Dairy Milk”.

Once in a while we see good ads today. But the pace with which the concentration is shifting towards attracting girls/women in Advertisements is awful. India is a country which rides on waves. Amitabh Sneezes one morning and the whole India goes out of their minds. Be it cricket, be it Anna Hazare/Lokpal bills, Orkut/facebook: We always overdo things. This new wave riding teenagers’ mind: Having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I gotta tell ya fellas, its completely overrated. ๐Ÿ˜€

Oh, you wanna smash me in comments, go on talk about forever alone. I won’t blame you lot. But think over the point. Sometimes its good to give a little exercise to young chap. Let’s wear our thinking hats shall we.

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Peace out!

Edit: One of my friends took offence on calling that South Indian movie “Dumb”. Whilst I appreciate his scrupulous eye, on the other hand I want to clarify, I can call any movie “Dumb” I want. It’s not regionally adherent, but believe me or not, most of the movies made today ARE DUMB. So, southies don’t need to take any offence here, alright? Peace out!

Hip โ€“ Hop Office Jargons – 3

Folks!

As we all know how famous a writer I am when it comes to documenting the oldest of the jargons being used around in office. I am not going to disappoint you, and here I am back with all the flying word-o-nama again. Here we go again:

Office Jargon

Please advice :

This is a short hand, good looking notation for “This is your job, not mine, moron.”

 

Please check :

Now get your ass to work on it right now.

 

After analyzing the issue :

We haven’t actually done anything substantial on the issue. But we can’t say that directly. So, instead, we went on and analyzed the issue, because that’s something you can’t measure and we will have something to show in place of actual work.

ย 

Thanks and Regards

No Jargon this time. It’s called a signature. You put it when you finish writing. So did I. Grow up, guys. ๐Ÿ˜€

 

That about sums up for this bulletin on jargon. Hail burrows!!

This was part 3 of the series Office Jargon.

For part 1 : Click Here.

For Part 2 : Click Here.

Hip-Hop Office Jargons Part – 2

Standard Office Jargons :

This is part 2 of the series “Standard Office Jargons”. For part 1, Please click here.

FYI logo

Image via Wikipedia

  • FYI : Don’t get on the length of this SENTENCE. This Uncanny officialese acronym does more than just annoying you. Everytime I get a mail with a long Mahabharatha Story written below an “FYI : For Your Information” mail, I get a rainbow of emotions. I wonder whoever wants to have me read this information overload, have really gave it a try himself? I guess not. Knowledge is to distribute, not grasp. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Atleast thats what seems true in official mail chains.
  • FTCQ : forwarding to correct queue, in other words, getting rid of it.
  • Oncall pager :ย  Its the device which shows your extreme chauvinism and jingoism towards your company and team. Its an evil agent which brings the pleasures of office works anywhere you can imagine. I’d rather switch off my pager before going to washroom, or I’d rather NOT go there. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Someone asked me what alias can be given to this frightful device, and allย  I could muster was “An antenna-Up-in-The-Ass”!!
  • OOO : Every time I send mails to a distro or multiple teams, I get atleast 5 OOO mails! Who the hell cares whether you are available or not!! All you have to do is to have someone else do the same thing you should have done in place, FTCQ!!!
  • EOD : End-Of-Day tasks or Jobs or operations, as is clear, are expected to finish by evening. I’d rather call them Armageddon events as if some asteroid is waiting for us to not complete the task so that it can strike us! Imagine someone yelling at youย  “I want reports rechecked, presentation made, defects fixed and HLD understood by the End of Day.” And I’d say, ‘Are you sure about End of Day or End of World, coz you took atleast 5 mins to count the tasks!”
  • Sweets @ my desk : Now this is a phenomena from where Coulomb got actually the idea of inverse square law of relative forces between things. You see, the rate of consumption of sweets is inversely proportional to the square of time you will get to reach the desk, so if you are not talking about superficial speeds of like 10 millisecond to reach, forget you are gona ever have a piece left. Even gravitational forces become too feeble over that magnitude, and here we are talking about sweets and chocolates. ๐Ÿ˜›
For part 3 of the series, click Here.

Weendows of mistakes # 1

I woke up from a horrible dream of Ekta Kkaaappooorr to some voices. At first what seemed like a box, it started meddling and jumping around.
A box! Awfully awake in a sudden pinch of amazement, my eyes opened to 180 degree hoping to find reality in the para visioning aperture. No use. It didn’t stop what it was doing. Leapfrogging my room.

Gathering some courage, I got up, yanked my self out of bed and tried to get off the room. The Thing sprang into action and blocked my way in tandem. Before I began comprehending what can that humansize box may be, it started unwinding and unhinging itself. I was put to the most horrific experience till date. May be I am going to have a devil right away in my home and (H)india TV is going to have another story for its audience.

The Thingโ„ข kept unfolding itself, systematically tearing off the pieces. A Ghost? Devil? My Manager?ย AT last, I saw it.

The Shining surface of The Thingโ„ข reflected in the sunlit room. It was so gorgeous to look upon. Couldnt believe at first it is a ROBOT! I’ve got an Iron Man snail mailed to my room this morning!

It had even a display at the chest. Suddenly a prompt appeared on the screen, and something like loading bar started filling out. The Thingโ„ข was booting up!!

A message appeared next,

“Press nose, left ear and head to begin.”

For some reason it felt terribly familiar. Anyhow, slave of my bewilderment, I did. A message flashed next on the screen :

“Welcome and congratulations for choosing Huma(n)bot 1.5. Powered by Meecrosoft Weendows Xp, the amazing performancesm brought at your doorstep. Press start to begin.”

Now it wasnt awful anymore. Rather it was getting creepy. The only thing I saw running Meecrosoft Weendows XP were the 64 MB super slow computers of my school. Can it run this much a big thing? It looks clear, beautiful, so windows like. ๐Ÿ˜‰
I guess, I will want to go dream Ektaa Kkkappooorr Anytime again. ๐Ÿ˜€

I pressed start button. Nothing happened. A message appeared
“hourglassing. Please wait…”

“Hourglassing is a revolutionary Meecrosoft Weendows Feature that helps you make coffee, get sleep and go on for a walk, while meecrosoft loads a website for you. At meecrosoft we call this Randomizing Behaviour Sequencing technology.”
So weendows like, all big names!

Atlast I saw it working! It blurted out :

“Hello, Master. How may I help you?”

“What can you do? What do I call you?” I said, still perplexed what use a weendows running 1 ton crap can be put use to.

“My OS can work out your reports, check mail, make you coffee, manage multimedia, networking and drive you to office.”

“Can you clean my toilet?”

“Fatal Exception occurred. You are requested to strike a sledge hammer if it doesnot respond. Please do not click on Don’t send error report if at all you see the dialogue box. ”
It explains why everything Meecrosoft gets from customers are just frustrating reports of error dumps. ๐Ÿ˜€

I went on to reboot it several times to atlast get it to speak again. I tested it with making coffee for me, which, it eventually did, almost right. If we leave the sugar-replaced-by-salt thing. ๐Ÿ˜‰

In evening, I again ordered it to make a coffee for me. I was this close to beat this thing in rubbles, when the screen flashed the message like :

“Your Coffee Maker 0.0.0.0.1 Always-Beta version is expired. Please buy the full version or get the hell outta here!”

To be continued… ๐Ÿ™‚

Yin and Yang of telephone manners

Yo Fellas.. Back again with a ย thumping thought!

It’s kinda weird the way certain people deal with other people. It seems there is a viscosity quotient, that stumbles and grows when they are together, but topples when they lose visual contacts. These people suffer from a disease not so usual, which is called “If I don’t see you, I won’t call you”. ๐Ÿ˜€ Not that it matters like life and death, but still. The symptoms?
Here goes :

they talk like “I cant remember calling somebody! What should I talk? I’ve got nothing to say!”

Not really a symptom eh? What did you think “They” are? Well, I am one of those “They”! And I ain’t suffering from a disease I tell ya!

But the things slightly really change. e.g. the way we (have to) interact with Male and Female friends over telephones. Ok, I admit, there is a HUGE difference the way we interact with the two categories. Girls are always more cynic. And mental. And superficial. Period. ๐Ÿ˜›

This was one of the d-days when I got two calls from my college friends, and they were really angry with me for not calling them regularly, like once in 6 days. (WTF?) Here we go!

(Male one)
Friend : Hi, man!
Me : Hey Buddy! How are you?
Friend : You go to hell!! You #$%#$%^$%^&%^%M and you cheap rascal, you couldn’t even call me all these days!
Me : Take it easy fella.. You haven’t died or gone mad or something.. What should I talk? Everything’s fine here!
Friend : you are one absolute bastard piece of … @#$@# ..! Hey, BTW, you know, I talked to Mukta yesterday!! ๐Ÿ˜€

And it all goes well after that. It’s like very DIRECT for us. For boys (humans).

But, for Girls. As in (friends, cousins, sisters)
(Female one\ non-human one)

Fiend : (Sorry, Friend ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) Hi.. (A Big Sigh)
Me : Hiiii (A bigger sigh)
Friend : Where have you been these days.. (Another sigh)
Me : Nothing.. Here only.. Was just busy somewhat.

(Now you are called nothing but an idiot if you use “Busy” with The Friend)
Friend : Apparently. You have got everything to do but call me. I dont have any importance in your life. You cant even call me on weekends. I cant believe you are telling me you were so busy that You couldnt even call me alas there is no willingness to meet. bla bla bla bla…
(For around 10 minutes. There is only one way to know when to stop this friend from speaking. Take out the cell phone and put a cotton bowl in your ear. If there are stains of blood. STOP HER!)

I put the phone down. I make coffee for myself. I put the bread in toaster. I get butter. I pour coffee. I take a chair and get to balcony. And get the phone back up to the ear. Ears, when subject to higher decible levels unceasingly, could get damaged.

“….. You have no respect for my feelings. Didnt you miss me?”
Me : I am sorry. yes yes.. I miss you.
Friend : like what?

And I went on to tell just like moon misses sun and that stuff. You know, girls never grow old. At the age of 40, they would still believe a man telling them you come to my dream. I mean, Grow Up!!

Mitigation to the disease : The Government is to pass a rule amending the current law of marriage age. For Girls, now onwards the marriage age should be atleast 30. So that there partners could be saved from severe mental distress and disorders. ๐Ÿ˜›

Hail Everyone!

The content below may be offensive to some people. I apologies to them. I had nothing better to write on. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Request to just enjoy..