What’s Trending you ask, Idiocy I say.

Heylloo and whats up! 2012 passed and 2013 is here already.
Basically here’s where I gotta write the intro part of the article. But heck, lets lose out into the matter at hand. Coz seriously I can’t think of something funny to say here every time you guys. Give the fellow man a break. Aaaaaaaand Off we go:

The Slap of truth: Dayaa ka chaanta

Β 5071_CID-Tanki-khali-hai_faadooindia.com_

Long gone are the days of concentration camps of Hitler, when chemists worked really hard to discover and synthesize chemical substances which could make you speak truth. India’s premier crime investigation unit CID uses a different model. Na na na, we are not talking about some other chemical shit, or electric chair. It’s something far more dangerous: The Slap of Truth! Dayaa, whose length is equal to breadth, is the man of the hour. No matter how hideous crime, how rough the criminal is, he’s bound to speak truth when he gets slapped by our fella. It’s a divine thing, actually. There is one more advantage actually, as soon as the criminal gets slapped; the criminal gets delivered to CID headquarters, unless they are not already there.

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Sometimes I am bound to think that stories for CID are written backwards. They decide who’s going to commit crime, what crime, who will get killed and then they come to why.

It’s about time Dayaa starts a stall outside malls and parliament. 1 slap for 200 bucks, 2 for 150.

100 Crore ka Sach!

Dabanggg

Okay. Forbes say increasing prices of movie tickets are responsible for movies grossing in excess of 100 crores today. growing no of multiplexes, digital reprints, wide releases. They all might constitute to this outrageously exceeding collections. But in my opinion the main reason is the same which is the reason for india’s upwards of 100 crore population: “Illiteracy”. ahem? ahem? Did I lie.

I mean who the fuck are these people who go to watch heroes cranking people’s skull and everytime they slap villains in the head, there is a sound of two metal balls colliding. Thhhhannnnnnnnnnn! What’s up with that???

On few occassion we were trapped in the movie halls of these films, I have seen my friends amidst song humming the lyrics even before they’ve sung it in song. I mean how predictable you wanna be. I bet you there would be an android app on the market right now for creating movies. It will take input : Hero, Heroine & villain name, Name of production to decide the release date and a plot from another 100 crore grossing movie. After all the story writer is a chimpanzee from the near jungle on a booze and doped heavy. Or may be some birds chirped on keyboard and the story writer called it a day.

Salman khan seems to be on a truth and dare contest where someone has given him a task: Either marry or do movies without storywriters. Well the latter is easy so here we are.

MTV roadies: Everything which is wrong with Today’s youth.

mtv_roadies

So I heard somewhere that MTV roadies is kicking off its 10th Seasons. Oh no. I mean the city’s gutters are already choking down enough shit and we are starting roadies 10. They are advertising on TV that Roadies is the first reality show to reach 10th season. Well, someone needs to know when to stop. Guys. I’ll tell you. You know what roadies is? Apart from being a pathetic ground to show off swearing is a KEWL thing, it represents everything which is wrong with today’s youth.

Oay, tell me what kind of real world situation you are gonna find yourself into where you’ll have to Poll dance.

It’s a show of duality. You’ll be taught to be respectful to girls yet you’ll have to hurl limitless abuses towards each other. Honestly will be rewarded only if its backed by dirty politics about who will vote out whom. The only thing which is constant about it is it’s Straightfold Dumb!

Govt should make a separate facility for the people who look forward to new seasons of this show and will want to attend the interview.

Ain’t this article got a beginning. And it sure as hell isn’t gonna have an end. So see you lovely fellas soon!

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Piece out!

Oo Oo Womaniya!!

Did you know that 80% of the advertisements today are produced keeping woman’s appeal in mind. (Actually I just made that up, πŸ˜› but you get the drift). I was watching a south Indian movie this sunday and there came the famous “Sirf 2 minutes ka break!”. For some reason, I didnt change the channel (I didn’t have a choice to go to, its weekend, what do you expect.) so I sat through the Ads. And Boy, I realized that nowadays advertisements are made for chimpanzees, not for humans. So dumb! Even a monkey knows he’s not gonna get a monkey chick just because he used a specific brand of underwear. Grow up, losers! The only way you’re gonna get somebody to like you is good old ways: Talk, communicate, improvise. Spoiler: you don’t need to wear deodorants!! I know, right?

So I thought, instead of continue watching that dumb movie, why not educate our country’s teenagers a little bit, who I think eat grass in dinner. So wannabes, off we go!

** Deodorant **

Ah, my favourites! So people, first and foremost. When it’s hot outside, you sweat. And you fatasses sweat so bad, that it stinks. People can’t stand within 10 feet from you. So, a company starts making deodorants. Which does what? NO! It doesn’t get you chicks. πŸ˜€ It frees you from your stench. I can promise you the only plus you are getting off a bottle of deodorant is that you won’t choke and die on your own smell. πŸ˜€ Got it? Now repeat after me: “Deodorants don’t get you chicks.”. Good. Good.

Girls: Not that it matters, but whatever you do, you will get guys I promise. So, just one advice: Do whatever you want.

** Toothpaste **

“Paas Aao, Meri saanso me samaao.”

I remember watching a lady in a retro 70’s ad while a person hummed this song “Kya aap close up karte hain”. Such a catchy tune. Until a couple months ago, I was aware of the fact that toothpastes are for brushing your teeth. The only other use I knew of this product was to eat it in childhood, because they tasted so awesome!! πŸ˜€

But guess what, according to the recent studies (read Ads) it turns out, if you are brushing your teeth with Close-up, you are gonna get kissed from a lady, who herself would brush her teeth with same paste! Otherwise, ofcourse its not possible. I mean, what is the point of kissing when one’s brushed teeth and other has just used Mintos!

** Clothes & Undergarments (Don hai to On hai) **

Ok this is self-explanatory.

** Mobile Phones **

Okay, this one is straightfold dumb. There was an ad on TV a few days ago where a phone boasts of ultra fast Wi-Fi and promises to make your life ultrafast. So, this idiot girl sits close to her and laughs on a comedy video streaming “Only because the phone has ultrafast WiFi you know”. The guy notices the girl having a good time and comfortably puts his arms around her. Now, 1st point is it’s difficult to point out the guy in this ad.

If you’ve had any experience even closer to this, do tell me in comments, but the “Ultra-Gay” event depicted in the Ad is never supposed to happen (Although I wish a hug was that cheap πŸ˜‰ ).

It’s kind of disappointing to see the quality of Ads. I remember and miss the days of Ads like “Wonderful Doodh”, “Nerolac”, “Dairy Milk”.

Once in a while we see good ads today. But the pace with which the concentration is shifting towards attracting girls/women in Advertisements is awful. India is a country which rides on waves. Amitabh Sneezes one morning and the whole India goes out of their minds. Be it cricket, be it Anna Hazare/Lokpal bills, Orkut/facebook: We always overdo things. This new wave riding teenagers’ mind: Having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I gotta tell ya fellas, its completely overrated. πŸ˜€

Oh, you wanna smash me in comments, go on talk about forever alone. I won’t blame you lot. But think over the point. Sometimes its good to give a little exercise to young chap. Let’s wear our thinking hats shall we.

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Peace out!

Edit: One of my friends took offence on calling that South Indian movie “Dumb”. Whilst I appreciate his scrupulous eye, on the other hand I want to clarify, I can call any movie “Dumb” I want. It’s not regionally adherent, but believe me or not, most of the movies made today ARE DUMB. So, southies don’t need to take any offence here, alright? Peace out!

Hip – Hop Office Jargons – 3

Folks!

As we all know how famous a writer I am when it comes to documenting the oldest of the jargons being used around in office. I am not going to disappoint you, and here I am back with all the flying word-o-nama again. Here we go again:

Office Jargon

Please advice :

This is a short hand, good looking notation for “This is your job, not mine, moron.”

 

Please check :

Now get your ass to work on it right now.

 

After analyzing the issue :

We haven’t actually done anything substantial on the issue. But we can’t say that directly. So, instead, we went on and analyzed the issue, because that’s something you can’t measure and we will have something to show in place of actual work.

Β 

Thanks and Regards

No Jargon this time. It’s called a signature. You put it when you finish writing. So did I. Grow up, guys. πŸ˜€

 

That about sums up for this bulletin on jargon. Hail burrows!!

This was part 3 of the series Office Jargon.

For part 1 : Click Here.

For Part 2 : Click Here.

Top Bollywood Trends # 1

Writers Disclaimer : All the content below are extremely real, and my own ideas about the content. All the offence and crap, well, my pleasure. πŸ™‚
ANY CHARACTER HERE
Top Bollywood Trends :

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For last couple of days, I was closely following the changing trends of Bollywood. Eclipsed and capsuled wih changes of aforesaid 21st Century, the Bollywood today is not something which it was like 5 years before. It was BOLLYWOOD back then, it is ASS-HOLE-YWOOD now. So, like all other uproaring blogs about the cheap shit we go to watch in expensive theatres, I decided to write something about it, and what better to write than the recent build ups in the chain! So, off we go :
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** Palindromes **
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Our Top Not-At-All-Important-News gathering Agency “India TV” has been allededly telecasting a special investigation report about the new trends in the bollywood songs. The Report states that according the new pattern they’ve deciphered, the songs closely follow a mathematical concept called Palindrome strings, which is something same no matter you read it from right or left. Like MALYALAM and Our political Leaders (pun intended in the sense of right and left).
The News channel was constantly looping a song in program labelling it the best example of the said scene :
Tere Mast Mast do Nain, Mere Dil ka le gaye Chain, Mere dil ka le gaye Chain, Tere mast mast do nain.”
Pretty obvious to spot the 1-2-2-1 thing, eh? πŸ˜‰
That’s what we need analysts and MBA’s for I guess. πŸ˜€
Meanwhile some singers, particularly NASAL singers have objected to the study stating that there are too much exceptions to the much debated theory. A singer told us :
“It’s a fuss! I dont follow THAT while singing. My songs are only based on one word or two, as opposed to their one or two sentences. See, there are no palindromes in my songs.” I’d rather say, ” There are no accidents.” Too bad it’s not true, though. πŸ˜›
On the other hand of the story, the Movie Directors and producers have decided to cut on the salaries of Lyricist, reasoning
“If it’s about a word or two, heck we know we can do it as good as they can.”
Till now, the lyricists have warned about a hunger strike.
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** Robot **
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The 231st most anticipated movie (:D) of the millenium, ROBOT, is all set to release soon. The movie is so hyped that many directors have revealed their plans to remake it in advance. We talked with one such Director-Actor-Producer-Choreographer-Singer-Screenplay-Writer-Dialogue Lead, Mr Reshmiya.
“Mr. Rajni has always been an inspiration to me. It will be great to watch someone acting like a Robot, who knows acting. I think we will also do pretty good about it in our remake, because, I, even in the real life get compliments that my expressions are robotic and face expressionless. We are very excited about carrying it ASAP. One should always look to convert weeknesses in USP. Here in this case, it’s acting.”
Well, finally something where he’s upto the mark, I guess. So, We wish him good luck!
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** Softwares **
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Rumors have been rife last couple of days about a Big Fish from bollywood (sorry, ASS-HOLE-YWOOD) have contacted a big software company about making a software tool for them.
Though, we couldn’t confirm much facts about the issue, but like other news channels, eventually we had made our own. Anyways public is going to listen. According to the reports, they’ve signed a contract with Meecrosoft, A leading software firm, which has agreed to write a software and maintaine for them. What it will do is still unclear, but accoring to initial reports, the software will be able to :
— Pick a random Movie plot from the past. They are planning to add localization to the tool, which will enable them to pick movies from all across the world.
— Replace original story with new Characters, Clothes, Locations, and Aliases( Names).
— Replace original songs with new Palindromes. (See point no. 1)
— Pick a strategically chosen release date on one of the public holidays, as in Sallu will be released on Eid, Aamir on christmas, and for other actors, any dates except these.
They are planning to buy a licence for next Β 5 years. So we better not bother about a “Good Movie” for next 5 years or so. πŸ˜€
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To be Continued..

Hip-Hop Office Jargons Part – 2

Standard Office Jargons :

This is part 2 of the series “Standard Office Jargons”. For part 1, Please click here.

FYI logo

Image via Wikipedia

  • FYI : Don’t get on the length of this SENTENCE. This Uncanny officialese acronym does more than just annoying you. Everytime I get a mail with a long Mahabharatha Story written below an “FYI : For Your Information” mail, I get a rainbow of emotions. I wonder whoever wants to have me read this information overload, have really gave it a try himself? I guess not. Knowledge is to distribute, not grasp. πŸ˜‰ Atleast thats what seems true in official mail chains.
  • FTCQ : forwarding to correct queue, in other words, getting rid of it.
  • Oncall pager :Β  Its the device which shows your extreme chauvinism and jingoism towards your company and team. Its an evil agent which brings the pleasures of office works anywhere you can imagine. I’d rather switch off my pager before going to washroom, or I’d rather NOT go there. πŸ™‚
    Someone asked me what alias can be given to this frightful device, and allΒ  I could muster was “An antenna-Up-in-The-Ass”!!
  • OOO : Every time I send mails to a distro or multiple teams, I get atleast 5 OOO mails! Who the hell cares whether you are available or not!! All you have to do is to have someone else do the same thing you should have done in place, FTCQ!!!
  • EOD : End-Of-Day tasks or Jobs or operations, as is clear, are expected to finish by evening. I’d rather call them Armageddon events as if some asteroid is waiting for us to not complete the task so that it can strike us! Imagine someone yelling at youΒ  “I want reports rechecked, presentation made, defects fixed and HLD understood by the End of Day.” And I’d say, ‘Are you sure about End of Day or End of World, coz you took atleast 5 mins to count the tasks!”
  • Sweets @ my desk : Now this is a phenomena from where Coulomb got actually the idea of inverse square law of relative forces between things. You see, the rate of consumption of sweets is inversely proportional to the square of time you will get to reach the desk, so if you are not talking about superficial speeds of like 10 millisecond to reach, forget you are gona ever have a piece left. Even gravitational forces become too feeble over that magnitude, and here we are talking about sweets and chocolates. πŸ˜›
For part 3 of the series, click Here.

Weendows of mistakes # 1

I woke up from a horrible dream of Ekta Kkaaappooorr to some voices. At first what seemed like a box, it started meddling and jumping around.
A box! Awfully awake in a sudden pinch of amazement, my eyes opened to 180 degree hoping to find reality in the para visioning aperture. No use. It didn’t stop what it was doing. Leapfrogging my room.

Gathering some courage, I got up, yanked my self out of bed and tried to get off the room. The Thing sprang into action and blocked my way in tandem. Before I began comprehending what can that humansize box may be, it started unwinding and unhinging itself. I was put to the most horrific experience till date. May be I am going to have a devil right away in my home and (H)india TV is going to have another story for its audience.

The Thingβ„’ kept unfolding itself, systematically tearing off the pieces. A Ghost? Devil? My Manager?Β AT last, I saw it.

The Shining surface of The Thingβ„’ reflected in the sunlit room. It was so gorgeous to look upon. Couldnt believe at first it is a ROBOT! I’ve got an Iron Man snail mailed to my room this morning!

It had even a display at the chest. Suddenly a prompt appeared on the screen, and something like loading bar started filling out. The Thingβ„’ was booting up!!

A message appeared next,

“Press nose, left ear and head to begin.”

For some reason it felt terribly familiar. Anyhow, slave of my bewilderment, I did. A message flashed next on the screen :

“Welcome and congratulations for choosing Huma(n)bot 1.5. Powered by Meecrosoft Weendows Xp, the amazing performancesm brought at your doorstep. Press start to begin.”

Now it wasnt awful anymore. Rather it was getting creepy. The only thing I saw running Meecrosoft Weendows XP were the 64 MB super slow computers of my school. Can it run this much a big thing? It looks clear, beautiful, so windows like. πŸ˜‰
I guess, I will want to go dream Ektaa Kkkappooorr Anytime again. πŸ˜€

I pressed start button. Nothing happened. A message appeared
“hourglassing. Please wait…”

“Hourglassing is a revolutionary Meecrosoft Weendows Feature that helps you make coffee, get sleep and go on for a walk, while meecrosoft loads a website for you. At meecrosoft we call this Randomizing Behaviour Sequencing technology.”
So weendows like, all big names!

Atlast I saw it working! It blurted out :

“Hello, Master. How may I help you?”

“What can you do? What do I call you?” I said, still perplexed what use a weendows running 1 ton crap can be put use to.

“My OS can work out your reports, check mail, make you coffee, manage multimedia, networking and drive you to office.”

“Can you clean my toilet?”

“Fatal Exception occurred. You are requested to strike a sledge hammer if it doesnot respond. Please do not click on Don’t send error report if at all you see the dialogue box. ”
It explains why everything Meecrosoft gets from customers are just frustrating reports of error dumps. πŸ˜€

I went on to reboot it several times to atlast get it to speak again. I tested it with making coffee for me, which, it eventually did, almost right. If we leave the sugar-replaced-by-salt thing. πŸ˜‰

In evening, I again ordered it to make a coffee for me. I was this close to beat this thing in rubbles, when the screen flashed the message like :

“Your Coffee Maker 0.0.0.0.1 Always-Beta version is expired. Please buy the full version or get the hell outta here!”

To be continued… πŸ™‚

Oouch! I spilled My Coffee!

Howdy!!

I found this while surfing last night :

You’ve gotta worry about coffees and teas and water spilling all around you. US may screw you anytime soon now! πŸ™‚

Hail Everyone!

Courtesy : FailBlog