Oo Oo Womaniya!!

Did you know that 80% of the advertisements today are produced keeping woman’s appeal in mind. (Actually I just made that up, πŸ˜› but you get the drift). I was watching a south Indian movie this sunday and there came the famous “Sirf 2 minutes ka break!”. For some reason, I didnt change the channel (I didn’t have a choice to go to, its weekend, what do you expect.) so I sat through the Ads. And Boy, I realized that nowadays advertisements are made for chimpanzees, not for humans. So dumb! Even a monkey knows he’s not gonna get a monkey chick just because he used a specific brand of underwear. Grow up, losers! The only way you’re gonna get somebody to like you is good old ways: Talk, communicate, improvise. Spoiler: you don’t need to wear deodorants!! I know, right?

So I thought, instead of continue watching that dumb movie, why not educate our country’s teenagers a little bit, who I think eat grass in dinner. So wannabes, off we go!

** Deodorant **

Ah, my favourites! So people, first and foremost. When it’s hot outside, you sweat. And you fatasses sweat so bad, that it stinks. People can’t stand within 10 feet from you. So, a company starts making deodorants. Which does what? NO! It doesn’t get you chicks. πŸ˜€ It frees you from your stench. I can promise you the only plus you are getting off a bottle of deodorant is that you won’t choke and die on your own smell. πŸ˜€ Got it? Now repeat after me: “Deodorants don’t get you chicks.”. Good. Good.

Girls: Not that it matters, but whatever you do, you will get guys I promise. So, just one advice: Do whatever you want.

** Toothpaste **

“Paas Aao, Meri saanso me samaao.”

I remember watching a lady in a retro 70’s ad while a person hummed this song “Kya aap close up karte hain”. Such a catchy tune. Until a couple months ago, I was aware of the fact that toothpastes are for brushing your teeth. The only other use I knew of this product was to eat it in childhood, because they tasted so awesome!! πŸ˜€

But guess what, according to the recent studies (read Ads) it turns out, if you are brushing your teeth with Close-up, you are gonna get kissed from a lady, who herself would brush her teeth with same paste! Otherwise, ofcourse its not possible. I mean, what is the point of kissing when one’s brushed teeth and other has just used Mintos!

** Clothes & Undergarments (Don hai to On hai) **

Ok this is self-explanatory.

** Mobile Phones **

Okay, this one is straightfold dumb. There was an ad on TV a few days ago where a phone boasts of ultra fast Wi-Fi and promises to make your life ultrafast. So, this idiot girl sits close to her and laughs on a comedy video streaming “Only because the phone has ultrafast WiFi you know”. The guy notices the girl having a good time and comfortably puts his arms around her. Now, 1st point is it’s difficult to point out the guy in this ad.

If you’ve had any experience even closer to this, do tell me in comments, but the “Ultra-Gay” event depicted in the Ad is never supposed to happen (Although I wish a hug was that cheap πŸ˜‰ ).

It’s kind of disappointing to see the quality of Ads. I remember and miss the days of Ads like “Wonderful Doodh”, “Nerolac”, “Dairy Milk”.

Once in a while we see good ads today. But the pace with which the concentration is shifting towards attracting girls/women in Advertisements is awful. India is a country which rides on waves. Amitabh Sneezes one morning and the whole India goes out of their minds. Be it cricket, be it Anna Hazare/Lokpal bills, Orkut/facebook: We always overdo things. This new wave riding teenagers’ mind: Having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I gotta tell ya fellas, its completely overrated. πŸ˜€

Oh, you wanna smash me in comments, go on talk about forever alone. I won’t blame you lot. But think over the point. Sometimes its good to give a little exercise to young chap. Let’s wear our thinking hats shall we.

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Peace out!

Edit: One of my friends took offence on calling that South Indian movie “Dumb”. Whilst I appreciate his scrupulous eye, on the other hand I want to clarify, I can call any movie “Dumb” I want. It’s not regionally adherent, but believe me or not, most of the movies made today ARE DUMB. So, southies don’t need to take any offence here, alright? Peace out!

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Hip – Hop Office Jargons – 3

Folks!

As we all know how famous a writer I am when it comes to documenting the oldest of the jargons being used around in office. I am not going to disappoint you, and here I am back with all the flying word-o-nama again. Here we go again:

Office Jargon

Please advice :

This is a short hand, good looking notation for “This is your job, not mine, moron.”

 

Please check :

Now get your ass to work on it right now.

 

After analyzing the issue :

We haven’t actually done anything substantial on the issue. But we can’t say that directly. So, instead, we went on and analyzed the issue, because that’s something you can’t measure and we will have something to show in place of actual work.

Β 

Thanks and Regards

No Jargon this time. It’s called a signature. You put it when you finish writing. So did I. Grow up, guys. πŸ˜€

 

That about sums up for this bulletin on jargon. Hail burrows!!

This was part 3 of the series Office Jargon.

For part 1 : Click Here.

For Part 2 : Click Here.

Top Bollywood Trends # 1

Writers Disclaimer : All the content below are extremely real, and my own ideas about the content. All the offence and crap, well, my pleasure. πŸ™‚
ANY CHARACTER HERE
Top Bollywood Trends :

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For last couple of days, I was closely following the changing trends of Bollywood. Eclipsed and capsuled wih changes of aforesaid 21st Century, the Bollywood today is not something which it was like 5 years before. It was BOLLYWOOD back then, it is ASS-HOLE-YWOOD now. So, like all other uproaring blogs about the cheap shit we go to watch in expensive theatres, I decided to write something about it, and what better to write than the recent build ups in the chain! So, off we go :
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** Palindromes **
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Our Top Not-At-All-Important-News gathering Agency “India TV” has been allededly telecasting a special investigation report about the new trends in the bollywood songs. The Report states that according the new pattern they’ve deciphered, the songs closely follow a mathematical concept called Palindrome strings, which is something same no matter you read it from right or left. Like MALYALAM and Our political Leaders (pun intended in the sense of right and left).
The News channel was constantly looping a song in program labelling it the best example of the said scene :
Tere Mast Mast do Nain, Mere Dil ka le gaye Chain, Mere dil ka le gaye Chain, Tere mast mast do nain.”
Pretty obvious to spot the 1-2-2-1 thing, eh? πŸ˜‰
That’s what we need analysts and MBA’s for I guess. πŸ˜€
Meanwhile some singers, particularly NASAL singers have objected to the study stating that there are too much exceptions to the much debated theory. A singer told us :
“It’s a fuss! I dont follow THAT while singing. My songs are only based on one word or two, as opposed to their one or two sentences. See, there are no palindromes in my songs.” I’d rather say, ” There are no accidents.” Too bad it’s not true, though. πŸ˜›
On the other hand of the story, the Movie Directors and producers have decided to cut on the salaries of Lyricist, reasoning
“If it’s about a word or two, heck we know we can do it as good as they can.”
Till now, the lyricists have warned about a hunger strike.
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** Robot **
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The 231st most anticipated movie (:D) of the millenium, ROBOT, is all set to release soon. The movie is so hyped that many directors have revealed their plans to remake it in advance. We talked with one such Director-Actor-Producer-Choreographer-Singer-Screenplay-Writer-Dialogue Lead, Mr Reshmiya.
“Mr. Rajni has always been an inspiration to me. It will be great to watch someone acting like a Robot, who knows acting. I think we will also do pretty good about it in our remake, because, I, even in the real life get compliments that my expressions are robotic and face expressionless. We are very excited about carrying it ASAP. One should always look to convert weeknesses in USP. Here in this case, it’s acting.”
Well, finally something where he’s upto the mark, I guess. So, We wish him good luck!
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** Softwares **
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Rumors have been rife last couple of days about a Big Fish from bollywood (sorry, ASS-HOLE-YWOOD) have contacted a big software company about making a software tool for them.
Though, we couldn’t confirm much facts about the issue, but like other news channels, eventually we had made our own. Anyways public is going to listen. According to the reports, they’ve signed a contract with Meecrosoft, A leading software firm, which has agreed to write a software and maintaine for them. What it will do is still unclear, but accoring to initial reports, the software will be able to :
— Pick a random Movie plot from the past. They are planning to add localization to the tool, which will enable them to pick movies from all across the world.
— Replace original story with new Characters, Clothes, Locations, and Aliases( Names).
— Replace original songs with new Palindromes. (See point no. 1)
— Pick a strategically chosen release date on one of the public holidays, as in Sallu will be released on Eid, Aamir on christmas, and for other actors, any dates except these.
They are planning to buy a licence for next Β 5 years. So we better not bother about a “Good Movie” for next 5 years or so. πŸ˜€
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To be Continued..

Fainting in Dreams : oh, yeah it’s possible

A lot of people have an obsession to watching themselves flying in dreams. I say is it so difficult? try 3 pegs and you’ll soon be flying like anything. :). Had I been asked what I wanted to do in my dreams, I would say I will want to interview a Bollywood director. (Lolzz) For the records, EeeekkTTAaa KKkkkaapppoouour (keeping up with her names) is my favourite director. πŸ˜‰

So, God kinda granted my this wish and the very next day I was with Ms K. in my dreams. Here’s some excerpts what I could remember. I am so happy I couldnt remember whole interview, BTW πŸ˜›

Me : So, Ekta (here onwards kKk) tell us what’s behind your success as a director?
kKk : Its all because of God ‘K’. He has endowed me all these. Besides, New sarees and costumes, weeping actors, Never hiring a writer and extra stuffed names helped a lot.
Me : As a story teller, you are considered to be one of the most rated playmakers today. How do you keep yourself going?
kKk : Aww, Its nothing! πŸ™‚ You know, there was this set theory in our 9th Standard. I used to hate it there. But when I grew up, I actually derived a great many things from it in my stories!
Me (Stunned) : Really??
kKk : Oh yeah, you see, People like watching Marriages and love and betrayal and oh crap what is called,…
Me : Drama?
kKk : Exactly! So, you see, you start with a boy and a girl, and add as many characters as you yourself can’t remember. And then you assign each a set. Like those big circles of 9th Standard. And then you explore all the possibilities for who can marry whom and who can betray whom, which are, plenty. And then, round and round and round……
The secretary let out a stifled cough. kKk got the clue and stopped blabbering.
Me : Thats so brilliant of you. I could never solve set theory though. But I am a big fan of your Serial (Killers)!
kKk : Thanks.
Me : At this rate, don’t you think the women will be highest scoring species in CAT coz you are gona cover a whole range of possibilities!!
kKk : Excuse me?
Me : Err, nothing..
You’ve stepped your foot in bollywood too. We have seen some brilliant endeavours from you and your Brother, Tttuuuussshar. What about them?
kKk : He’s such a fine actor. As a flmmaker, you otta’ve innovative ideas, which have never been used. I take old subjects, but my every single creation is something new. It gives out a message.
Me : Whoa whoa whoa… What does it all mean?
kKk : Nothing. I tell them to every single fool who interviews me. Usually I steal the paper script from some old movie and feed them to a software, which changes names and clothes. Tttuuuussshar is so diverse, he can screw it in any manner. And so am I.
Me : Apparently. πŸ™‚
kKk : I really feel bad about women sitting in the house whole day and doing nothing. I wanted to change this. So, I decided to telecast them every day. In prime hours. So they can also have the courtesy to force their choices on husbands. This is my way of promoting women Empowerment.
I was awestruck. Certainly this woman only can produce the shit she is producing (and directing). Feeding on Womens desires gossips and new sarees, I wonder what things can come out! I thank god I didnt fainted in my dreams, other wise who would tell me to wake up from a dream in which I’ve fainted? Wait a minute, have I gone nuts? …..

acquaintances… acquaintances…

Lately I’ve been visiting my hometown somewhat frequently on vacations. I belong to a rather small place, which is slow in pace. Apparently a large percentage of people there are free to talk and listen no matter how boring things you share with them. I personally think there should be signboards alongside the borders of town, reading something like “Beware of your relatives, They may find you any time now.” πŸ™‚ Or, may be an air-hostess announcing to Β wear your disguises.

Anyhow, I reach home and and there is some-whom-I-have-never-seen-in-my-life people already.

“There he comes” one of uncles said. I felt I was about to be butchered.

“On vacation?” One aunt asked. “Not anymore” I was about to yell.

After all the rituals, touching feet and all, we sat (read it adjusted) together. I knew it would come soon.

“So what company do you work for, son?” One military accented uncle asked for atleast 4th time in last one year. No wait, 5th time πŸ˜›

I said in plain text I work for Amdocs. For the first time I said “I work for Amdocs, Uncle. Its a leading Billing solutions provider.” I will spare you the rest of imaginations what would’ve happened back then.

“I thought you worked for AT & T”, my mom said. Please dont start it again. I cannnot explain client relationships after a head banging journey for the fifth time.

“How much you earn? Β Why didn’t you go to site? Why dont you work in Infosys?” They keep asking the things only they know. After failing 4 times miserably I have realized its no point discussing the chronological questions which are to be asked every single goddamn time you are going to meet. Atleast Batman doesnt have to tell his relatives why he doesnt hang on the trees in the night even if he’s called Batman πŸ˜›

This very next day I was alone with my dad and I was busy showing him all the features of my new cell phone like google Maps and all. Ok. I agree I was trying to justify the high price I paid for that, which was followed by a lecture from parent about savings. He was so fascinated with the idea of being able to spotting his hometown in the little screen, that he actually made me show that over and over again to every friend of his we met that day-

“Hey you know this cell phone can track where you are. Even Dhar (my place) is visible!!!! 15 more exclaimation marks……!!!” πŸ™‚

And the friends are like “REeeeaaaallllyyYYYY???”

And dad is like, “Hey, show’em!”

And I am like “Here you go!”

And they’re like “Wow!! Its kewl Β man.” You can sense the ego salivating over word “Kewl”, a fashion statement in our hometown. It means they’re urbane.

And then in the end, dad says “Oh, and Bye the way, He’s my Son”.:D

I am so happy with all these. It spares me all the chronological Questionnaire disorder, And I am like “Yay, Everyday!” In the end, I’ve found my super power. Hail Everyone. πŸ˜€